Bottle it up, please!

Wow! You can’t buy these type of days! I told you guys that I am trying to take things one day at a time, right?

Today was a busy morning and before I knew it, lunch time was here. It was a cool and beautifully bright sunny day. Marc and I had taken the dogs to a local trail and ran with them yesterday. I normally don’t run 3 days in a row, but with it being such a beautiful day and the weather forecast saying that the rest of the week is going to be miserable, I knew I should get out and run.

Sometimes I take my first few steps and know that the whole run is going to suck - that every 1/4 mile is going to be a fight. And then sometimes a little miracle happens. Sometimes I take my first few steps and it’s like the mythical Hermes, it feels like I have little wings attached to my feet.

Today was one of those days.

I felt strong and calm and then I passed the local pizza shop. I always pass there, and inevitably I feel jealous of the people sitting in there, eating their huge pieces of pizza and watching me run by. Sometimes I try to tell myself that I am superior to them to make myself feel better.

Today was different. Today I looked in at them and I wasn’t even a bit jealous. I thought about when I used to go out to lunch. It would consist of sucking down a couple pieces of pizza. Or I would go to TGI Fridays and have their all you can eat lunch where I would eat a few bowls of broccoli cheddar soup and about 1 billion breadsticks. And I would return to work feeling heavy and tired. I would be sluggish all afternoon - half in a carb-induced food coma, and I would just count the minutes until I could go home.

I realized that - weight aside - it was not pleasant. I thought about how I feel now when I get back to work after running or another exercise. I sit at my desk eating my healthy lunch while returning phone calls and doing paperwork and am I energized instead of lethargic. I am way more productive and in better spirits now than when I used to eat fast food during lunch.

I had been planning on running 3-4 miles. But I felt so good I just kept going and I got in 6 miles. I wasn’t proud of myself and I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I just felt good. I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’m a hell of lot better than that girl of the past.

Tomorrow, well we all know how that goes. Tomorrow I could fall into a vat of self-pity and loathing. But JUST FOR TODAY I will relish how I feel.

Dereliction of duties…

I haven’t been posting nearly as much as in the past.  I guess that’s because I really don’t have anything useful to share.

I am doing reasonably well in my attempt to stay positive and calm.

I would like to say that this translates into sticking perfectly to plan eating wise, but it hasn’t been the case.  I just cannot hold it together for more than a couple of days without deviating.

And with the temptations + stress of the holidays hurtling towards us, I don’t anticipate it getting better.

So taking it one day at a time is what I am trying to do. 

Today that meant getting out in the cold and sun this morning and running a 10K with the dogs.  I have really grown to love running with them.  Just a short couple of years ago, each run was an attempt to push myself HARDER and HARDER.  To break time records or distance records or something similar.

Now to just take it easy, enjoy a slower pace and the scenery and listening not just to my body, but theirs – it has become a bit of medicine for the soul.

And then I read an article yesterday on Molly Simms.  Do you guys know who she is?  I know her from the tv show of a few years ago Las Vegas,

I didn’t realize that before doing that she was a supermodel.  She talked about the demands of being a supermodel and always being told she was too fat.  How she would go DAYS without eating and walk 14 miles a day to exhaustion to fit into an outfit she would wear on the runway.

And she admits that she is much happier now that she is living a more normal life (and she is amazingly gorgeous), but there are still times when she looks back on old photos of herself and wishes she looked like that again. 

I suppose most of me KNOWS that those runway models have to obsess and that their bodies aren’t “normal”, but there are times when I look at magazines of these impossibly gorgeous women and think how LUCKY they are and how it seems so EASY for them. 

It’s refreshing to hear someone talk about how hard it is and how it is not realistic for the average woman.  And certainly not for a BELOW average woman like me

Lead me not….

Today I returned to work with the steely resolve to do better - to stay on plan - as much as I possibly can - especially leading into Thanksgiving and then the month of December - which is the month from hell and heaven for a fat girl!

I was busy for the first part of the morning and about 10AM I went back to a common area to refill my water bottle. And there is sat. Like a demon sent from hell to taunt me. Yes, it was [insert screaming] a box full of DUNKIN’ DONUTS.

Well FUCK ME!

I had 2 simultaneous fantasies.

Fantasy #1: This is the fantasy I really wanted to happen. That fantasy was that I took 4 of those donuts back to my desk and enjoyed the HELL out of eating them. AND not only did I not feel even a BIT of guilt, but through my superior metabolism, I ate those donuts and they had absolutely ZERO EFFECT on my weight. I simply did 10 jumping jacks and those calories burned right off!

Yeah, right. Well we all know THAT fantasy didn’t happen.

Fantasy #2: I had NO DESIRE to even look in the box. You see, I really am not tempted by donuts. No, I am a fit and healthy woman who LOVES salads and lean meats, and since I know that these donuts are horrible for my body, the thought of eating one actually made me feel ill. So I filled my water and carried on with my day as happy as can be.

Yeah, right. We also know THAT fantasy didn’t happen, either.

No instead it played out like this: I peeked in the box. I saw that there were 2 Boston Creme donuts in there. MY FAVORITE. I stared longingly and wished I could have one. Then I went back to my office where I obsessed about the donuts in the other room.

I’m pretty sure I heard one of them somehow access the PA system - “Jen, come EAT ME. I am SOOOO good! You can run at lunch and work me off! I’m just sitting here, waiting for you!” I think that was real...

And so throughout the morning I had to refill my water a couple of times. I went back once and an attorney was scarfing down one the Boston Cremes. That FUCKER! I then had another small fantasy of kicking him repeatedly in the head.

Each time I went back, I had to check on the donut status. Each time I opened the box, donut smell came out, causing me to gain about 3/4 of a pound each time.

And then I went out and ran during lunch. And I told myself maybe, just maybe, I would be allowed to have ½ of a donut if I ran 3 miles - and when I got to 3, it became 4 and then 5.

Coming back in, I resolutely avoided that room and ate my healthy lunch. Until I had to fill my water. And son of a BITCH, there were still a couple of donuts left.

Like any sane person, I returned to my desk and while on hold for an important phone call, I checked the Dunkin website to see how many calories those fried, chocolate covered gremlins had.

300.

Sigh....

I’m home now, safely away from those donuts. I have to say that this never ending ritual of mind games in my head is either pathetic or funny or both. I guess it depends on the day.

November has arrived!

As a NYS employee, I am lucky enough to have a lot of paid holidays.  One of which is Election Day.  I almost always take a vacation day on Monday to make it a 4 day weekend.

So I’ve been spending this time off trying to get my head on straight, holding on to a positive frame of mind, and looking to salvage what has been a pretty rotten year for me mentally.

Old habits do die hard. Sunday, Marc and I chose a particularly hard yoga DVD to do together. Shortly into it, while doing downward dog, I looked at what was hanging off my belly in that position and started a mental rant about what a fat cow I am.

Rather than allow that to continue, which is my typical M.O., I actually said “STOP!” out loud. (And then faked a cough so Marc wouldn’t think I was losing it). I forced myself to concentrate on feeling my body in the sometimes unpleasant positions and told myself that my body was strong and I should celebrate what I am able to do that not everyone can.

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  Marc has been wanting to walk or ride our bikes along an old canal route in an area about 1.5 hours from us.  So we got around early.  Because Marc wasn’t sure that the path would be maintained enough for biking, we decide to walk some of it with the dogs and re-visit at another time if it was “bike worthy”.

Fall is proving to be warmer than normal, and it was about 55 degrees and partly sunny.  We leisurely walked the path.

 

We walked a total of 12 miles and I ALMOST didn’t think about whether that was “good enough” or how many calories I was burning.  Instead I enjoyed the day and talked with Marc and watched the dogs running around having a marvelous time.

At this point, I might be only faking it - I’m not sure that I believe it yet. Fake it til you make it, right?

Being positive is not in my nature. PLUS I have spent YEARS of my life hating my body and never feeling good enough. That isn’t going to change overnight.

You know how other weight loss sites tell you that you need to reward yourself for achieving goals?

Do you know that I didn’t ONCE while losing weight reward myself with ANYTHING. It’s not that I deprive myself of things or don’t buy presents for myself - that’s not true. But not once did I say for example - “Good job - you just lost 100 pounds - you should get a pedicure!” About 2 months after I achieved my goal of getting down to 119 pounds I bought new sheets and said that this was my goal present.

As someone who has studied psychology, I know that REWARDS work much better than PUNISHMENT. Unfortunately, I am the first to punish myself and I’m not good at rewarding myself.

I hope you guys reading are nice to yourselves. I hope you are rewarding yourself when you achieve a goal. I hope that you are appreciating the progress you are making!

So there are 2 months left in this year, and my goal doesn’t lie with a number or a skirt size right now.  My goal is to gain some mental stability to lead me into 2016 ready to take on the world! 

Broken hearted....

This is not the post I planned on making today. 

After having a pretty good day I got home and Marc and I took the boys on a cold but sunny walk.  

We got back and I checked the rescue site for an update on Gwen.   She didn't make it.  She had a good day yesterday, but was just too weak to fight anymore and was lost mid afternoon today.

I never even met this dog, but my heart was with her, she was even inspiring me to fight.  

I am so sad about her death, but moreso that she knew very little joy in her life.

I don't know how people work in rescue.  If I am this heartbroken I can't imagine what they are going through right now.

RIP sweet Gwen....

Recipe: Roasted Sweet Potato and Apples

Love sweet potatoes and this recipe makes an excellent fall side dish!

First, pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

Take a pound of sweet potato

And cut it into small chunks

Throw those in a bowl and mix them with olive oil, cinnamon and sea salt

Lay them out on a greased cookie sheet

Throw them in the oven for 35 minutes.

Now cut up 2 apples – the kind is up to you!  This is a Honeycrisp and a Golden Delicious.

Core them and cut them into chunks and throw them in a bowl.

Mix up with a little olive oil, 1 tablespoon lemon concentrate (or 1/2 of a fresh lemon), sea salt and Rosemary.  And lay those out on a greased cookie sheet.

When there is 15 minutes left on the sweet potatoes, throw in the apples.

When 5 minutes are left, take out the apples and sprinkle 1/2 cup of walnuts over the apples.

When the sweet potatoes have been in 30 minutes, they should be pretty soft.  Take them out, place them in a bowl and mush up with a potato masher – they should be mushed up but not whipped.

Now add the apples and walnuts

And mix it all up.

Enjoy!  I paired mine tonight with Swai and a side salad!

I have had ENOUGH!

This post, I’m afraid, is going to be long and rambley (what’s new, right??) So bear with me or stop reading LOL

Last night, something weird happened. I got ANGRY. It started out like this - I ran across a story that I should have NEVER clicked on. It was about a Boxer that recently came to this rescue agency in Arizona. They had pictures and the poor little girl is literally SKIN AND BONES. I seriously don’t know how she is still alive. (She had surgery last night and is fighting for her life as we speak).

As would not surprise you, this story had - and still has me SO UPSET. It is just sickening and heartbreaking.  After reading about her, I got down on the floor where my boys were and just wrapped my arms around both of them and covered them with kisses and tried not to cry. I felt sick to my stomach and ANGRY. Angry at the number of FUCKING ASSHOLES in this world.

As I sat on the floor hugging my boys and telling them how much I love them, I then got angry at myself.  Really angry.

I realized I am so sick of myself. Sick of thinking about how I look/my weight every goddamn minute of every goddamn day. Sick of my obsessing about food and calories and how many minutes I HAVE to work out or it’s catastrophic. Sick of hating myself all the time.

A few short years ago I couldn’t run 6 FEET. And now I’m going to cry and whine about the fact that it takes me almost an hour to run 6 MILES??!! Or I’m going to create a whole fucking DRAMA about eating too much peanut butter??!!

It was as if I saw things clearly for the first time in a long time.  As the saying goes, I’ve lost sight of the forest for the trees. It’s ridiculous. And it’s selfish. I’ve had enough.  Enough of myself.

So it changes today. No more bullshit negativity. And I expect any of you who read this blog regularly and choose to comment to HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE to this promise.

I know I’ve said things similar to this before, but something feels different this time.  Why it took a poor starving Boxer to open my eyes?  Who the fuck knows!

So dear me: I will eat right more days than not. I will continue to work out and stay as fit and healthy as I can be. I will be positive as much as I possibly can. That has to be enough.

The Boxer’s name is Gwen. Please send healing vibes to this beautiful baby.  Maybe – by some miracle - she can get a second chance at life as I did.  And I know FOR SURE that if she does, she certainly won’t waste one minute of it!