Who am I?

As I was running today my mind was pretty full.  Not sure what made me so reflective, but now that I'm able to run without concentrating on, you know, not dying, I am a little on auto-pilot and it gives me a chance to clear my head.  It was a good thing because I was in a MISERABLE mood this morning.

Anyway, I was thinking that part of me still feels overweight.  I see the number on the scale and it doesn't always register that this is me - I weigh 117 pounds.  Then at times I feel the exact opposite.  I feel like I've always been this size and I can barely remember the days when I was obese.

It's very weird, I know.  I was then thinking this "Am I a person that was born to be fat and is just thin for now, or was I meant to be a thin person and I just spent too long being fat?"  Every day that I hop on the scale and see my weight where I want it, my confidence grows that I can do this forever.  I'm been maintaining for about 3 months.  But then I get scared when I read statistics of how many people gain the weight back.  I've ONLY been in maintenence 3 months!  I worry sometimes of slipping and keeping the slip going.  I don't want that to happen.

I feel good most days in my body - I still sometimes go to lift up my fat/skin when I'm in the shower and then remember that it's not there anymore.  I still am shocked some times how physically fit I've become and how things are not as hard as they used to be.  The disgusting hanging skin on my thighs and the scar that goes all the way around my body is a constant reminder of what I did to myself, and I still get down on myself because of it.  I try not to live with regrets, but some days are easier then others.

So who am I?  Sometimes we see what we need to see and I ran across this quote today:

That's what I did.  I didn't discover some magical potion that let me make major life changes and find the real me.  Instead I worked and worked and worked until I created who I want to be - and I'm still working on creating myself.

So to everyone out there - create yourself.  Destiny is what you make it.  We all have our challenges, but forget genetics, forget what you have going against you, forget who you were and concentrate on creating who you want to be.  The power lies within you, not within some magical and fictional place.  You're not a runner?  Start running.  You've always been fat?  Create a thin you!  You are unhappy with something?  Change it.  Embrace the challenge and the journey and get there. 

The sky is falling!

Yay!  As we speak, the contractors are putting the cabinets back up in the kitchen.  This means that they'll finally be out from all the areas of the house and that we'll actually have a stove to use tonight!  Oh, I am so happy!

Of course with this huge storm coming our way, we'll probably just get our stove back and then lose power and not be able to use it anyway!  Let's hope not.

I'm refusing to get caught up in the hysteria about the storm.  For those of you that live right in the storm's path, of course, things are different and it looks like things could get bad.  I hope everyone is taking precautions to keep yourself and your loved ones safe!  But for those of us that are getting the residuals, I don't think we need to get all up panicky about it. 

I ran at lunch today, and it was an AWESOME run - I was flying!  6 miles in 47:31!  Apparently running to beat a storm does a body good.  At the end of the run, the wind just started to pick up here.  So here it comes people - batten down the hatches! 



Calling a TIME OUT!

What a week!  And not in a good way!  This kitchen renovation is so stressful and the cost keeps adding up due to the problems we found when we uncovered the walls.  It's going to be a lot more then we bargained for.  AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING!  Friday I went out and something on my tire caught my eye - I could actually see the BELTS showing through my tire!  NOT GOOD.  So when I got home, Marc looked over my tires and the two front ones are completely shot to the point that it is dangerous to drive on them and the backs really should be replaced.  After multiple phone calls to at least 7-8 places, the cheapest I can get 4 tires replaced on my vehicle is $500!!  But this is a safety issue, there is no getting around having them done.

Friday I came home and the contractor was not ready for us to paint.  So we instead picked up some needed supplies and I began priming the kitchen late.  I went to bed late and exhausted and then got up yesterday morning at 6:45 AM to run a charity 10K I signed up for weeks ago.  I then came home and we literally painted all day.  I was beyond exhausted when I went to bed last night.  

I also have been trying so hard to eat right without a stove and my weight was up like 3 pounds yesterday.  I can totally see how mental relapses happen.  I was sitting on the couch last night, feeling sorry myself and I said to myself that all my efforts are for nothing, my body wants to be fat, I'm just going to eat my way into oblivion.

Fortunately, I slept very late this morning.  And when I got on the scale, it was back to 117.  Whew - must have been water weight yesterday from working new muscles while painting.  So I feel refreshed and in a better space mentally.  I'm still really upset about the money I have been spending, but I'm trying to remind myself that it is only money and that the kitchen is going to look great when it's finally pieced back together.

Today I need to paint a second coat on the kitchen, but then my plan is to RELAX and watch some football.  I rarely have had a day to just relax lately, and I'm hoping for a good one today!

Get a grip!

After a couple of great weeks feeling really good, I had a really, really bad day yesterday.  We are in the process of re-doing our kitchen.  For those of you who don't know, we live in a really old house - built in the late 1700's.  Our kitchen was revamped - we think - in the early 1960's.  We've known that there was no insulation behind the walls.  So I finally bit the bullet and hired someone to replace all the framing and insulation and drywall.  So needless to say it's a huge expense that's not even a FUN expense, because it's mostly structural, not cosmetic.

Anyway, when we took down the drywall on the one wall, it was COMPLETELY dryrotted.  Some of the main structural beams could have collapsed at any time.  So it's good that we found this out, but it's quickly adding more money to an already extremely expensive project.  

Obviously, we are living without a kitchen - trying to wash dishes in a small bathroom sink - cabinets are all over the house.  I'm still trying to eat healthy.  Marc and I are sniping at each other, bad, since we are both stressed out.  It sucks.

Then yesterday I was totally and completely screwed over by a co-worker.  She is a complete bitch who doesn't like me anyway.  I had agreed to help out with our company Xmas party just the day before and then she bones me yesterday.  So I wrote her an e-mail saying that I was withdrawing my offer of helping out for the Xmas party because I wasn't sure I would be attending after realizing how I was not valued or respected as a co-worker and/or person.  

The more I thought about it, the madder I got.  By the time I got home, I was just FUMING.  So the contractor then has to show me more things that problematic in the kitchen.  Then I tell Marc about the incident and work, and he gave me NO SUPPORT at all.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I wanted to scream and cry and hit things at the same time.

To top it off, with all of this going on, we worked out late, which meant eating late, which meant that I was STARVING and I scarfed down dinner and then literally felt like I could not stop eating.  I just kept stuffing things into my mouth.  It wasn't a binge, because we are talking MAYBE 100-150 calories - but it was the FEELINGS that went with it that sucked so bad. 

I'm hoping for a better day today, but I don't think this issue between myself and the co-worker is going to be solved - at least not in the near future.  And then I'm worried about all that has to be done in the kitchen.  I hate being under stress, but I know I need to get a grip....

I'm trying, Catherine, HONEST.

Be unique, be special, be YOU!!

Have I ever told you how I feel about poetry?  I hate it.  I definitely don't have the soul of a poet within me.  I don't get poetry and I don't like it - with a couple of minor exceptions.  One of those exceptions is the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.  I have always loved this poem - especially the last part:



For my whole life I have been greatly criticized for not "going with the flow".  I've been told that I am opinionated, obstinate, argumentative, etc.  I have a personality that people either love or hate.  I don't pretend to be someone that I'm not, and I don't pretend to feel what I don't to pacify people.  And some people don't like me for that.

Did people see me as the "angry fat chick"?  I don't know.  Dropping weight has had some effect on my personality, but I still am who I am.  And guess what - I'm totally cool with that!!

I would encourage everyone out there to be yourself.  If you are a "people pleaser" who sacrifices your happiness constantly for others, STOP IT!  Do you pretend to feel a certain way because you think that's how you "should" feel or "should behave"?  THAT STOPS NOW!

Or maybe you are the opposite - maybe you come across as bitter or angry as a defense.  And maybe you don't like that about yourself.  CHANGE IT.  Practice being nicer.  Stop putting up walls to keep people out. 

Embrace your real you in this journey.  Life is not a dress rehearsal.  I have too many regrets about starting my journey late, and I refuse to have any more.  If you do this, you WILL piss people off.  You might even lose a friend.  But anyone who abandons you when you embrace who you really are is not worth your friendship, anyway!

Make a difference in your own life.  Travel your own path.  Be amazing!  Set YOUR goals, not the goals of others or what society wants.  Don't get skinny if you don't want to - some people prefer to be a little "fluffy" or "curvy".  If that's what YOU want, then that's totally okay!! 

Break out of the mold, stop being a victim of your own self-imposed limitations.  CHOOSE THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED.   Start today.  You will be surprised at the difference it makes in how you feel and how successful you are in your journey.

Check!

It seems only fitting that in a week that I've been talking about goal setting that I hit one of my goals yesterday.  I remember when I first was running outside last summer.  It was so hard.  I remember the first time I ran 3 miles straight without a walk break.  I couldn't imagine that I could ever go much further then that.  But then, I did.

Yesterday I ran 13.1 miles.  Yes, that is the length of a 1/2 marathon.  I was so excited to hit that goal.  I was doing pretty well until mile 11.  I climbed a steep hill and then just hit the wall.  It just so happens that I was passing by my road about this time, and I really wanted to quit, but I forced myself to run more.  At mile 12 I stopped and drank some water.  My hips and calves were burning - I didn't think that I could get started again, but I did.  That last mile sucked.  I kept repeating this to myself:

Then it was over and I had done it!  Another check mark on my list of goals!

If you have a goal, find the inner strength to make it happen.  I am not any more determined or powerful or special then anyone who is reading this.  We all have it within us to make our goals.  It might not be pretty or perfect and it might not happen as fast or easy as we want it to, but we have the power to make it happen.  I know that this is true because I have done what many people - including myself - thought was IMPOSSIBLE.

Throw away that voice inside that tells you to give up.  Ignore people that satisfy themselves by bringing other people down.  If you want it, you and you alone have the power to make it happen.  

Not go and DO IT!

Listening to your body.

First off, how is everyone doing on their goals?  I hope that you are taking my advice to set goals daily and do your best to attain them.  This goal setting can be used for both weight loss issues as well as just other life issues!  Morning is a PERFECT time to review yesterday's goals - did you meet them?  If not, WHY?  And how can you meet them today.  Now make a list of what you want to accomplish today.  Trust me, it helps get you organized and focused.

Ok, today I want to talk about listening to your body.  As I've said many times before, now that I'm in maintenance, I don't want to have to go through life counting calories and analyzing everything I eat.  I realize that this works well for some people, and that's great.  But for me,  I want to have a more flexible and normal life. 

Here's what it comes down to - our bodies tell us the TRUTH.  It is our minds that are LIARS.  So the huge challenge for me is to differentiate who is "talking" to me on any given day. 

Let's take cravings for example.  Yesterday morning of all times, I woke up and was craving Ketchup.  Yup, ketchup!  So when I ate my fried eggs I put some ketchup over them.  As I analyzed what my body was trying to tell me my guess is that my salt level was low.  As a runner, I need more salt and I probably didn't have enough so I was craving it.  Indulging in this craving was a no-brainer - very few calories and it satisfied what my body wanted.

Now, that was a real craving direct from my body.  Now on the other hand, if you pass a box of donuts and see and smell them and then you want a donut, that is most likely you mind telling you that you have to have a sweet empty calorie indulgence.  Your body rarely craves something that is so useless nutrition wise.

I also need to listen to my body when it comes to being hungry.  Some days I will be STARVING for seemingly no reason.  I have to stop for a minute and see what is going on.  If I'm bored, or stressed out, or tired or pissed off, chances are that it's my mind telling me to eat to feel better.  However, if I'm in a good place emotionally, then there is a good chance that it is my body telling me that I need more fuel. 

Going to bed starving is not a sign of victory.  It is a sign that something is wrong with your plan.  Letting yourself get to a point where you could eat your arm off is unhealthy and puts you at risk of a binge or eating the wrong thing for a quick rush.  Try to see food as FUEL for the body. 

My biggest challenge in listening to my body is when to stop eating.  I don't seem to have an off switch.  That's one of the reasons I weighed 344 pounds.  But your body DOES know when it is full and will tell you to stop.  Some of the ways that I have tackled this problem is slowing down.  I now focus when I am eating.  I actually watch the clock and my goal is to eat my dinner in no less then 20 minutes.  Why 20 minutes?  This is what experts say is the time needed for the sensation of food in the belly to get to the brain.  In my previous life, I powered down my food, swallowing large chunks and not even focusing on enjoying the meal.  Not any more!

I make sure that I chew my food thoroughly.  I don't put anything in my mouth until the previous bite was swallowed.  I take short "time outs" while eating, like physically putting my fork down and doing something else for a few seconds.  This has helped me get to the point where my body can tell me whether I need more to eat or not.  Plus, I actually enjoy the food more!

I think - I hope - that with more practice this will get easier, and will become second nature. 

And this listening to your body thing?  It also works for things like exercise and sleep.  You feel too worn out to exercise?  Is that your BODY telling you that, or is it your lazy mind?  You feel exhausted?  Does your body need rest or does your mind want to escape something?  Stop, take a minute and listen.