Friday, January 12, 2018

What is this moderation thing?

Before I lost weight, I ate fast food almost every day.  It makes me sick now to think how many thousands of calories I was consuming.  Hell, I bet I counsumed 1,000 calories per day in Mountain Dew alone!

Since losing weight I don't eat at these places at all, except stopping at McDonald`s occasionally for their $1 coffee.

Unlike the vast majority of Americans, Marc and I don't eat out at regular restaurants very much either.  I bet in 2017 we ate out 4 times.  But when we do eat out, I choose places - typically buffets - where I can eat myself silly.  

I hesitate to use the word "binge" because that implies a loss of control, and these occasions are planned and deliberate.  But the massive amount eaten and the fervor which the food is consumed is pretty similar to a binge.

Yesterday the news reported that the Cici's Pizza near us closed and I was crushed.  Now mind you, since 2012, I think we have eaten at Cici's Pizza twice (it might have been 3 times).  But it was there.  Almost like some sort of sick twisted safety net.  So if I wanted to frantically stuff ny face with piece after piece of cheap ass pizza and fat filled cinnamon rolls, I could.

I told a friend of mine that I was upset and she replied when she heard it had closed she had immediately thought of me.  "Not that you ever eat there," she said casually, "but you like knowing you could."

Holy fuck - I'm that transparent, huh?

I can eat pizza whenever I want.  Pizza in and of itself is not all that horrible - I could make it at home using thinner dough and choose toppings to make it more healthy.  Or I could order pizza and just have 1 or 2 pieces.  But no, moderation is not in my vocabulary.  If I'm going to eat something that I've labeled as "bad" I'm going to EAT.  

It seems so simple in theory to just shift food way down on my priority list.  If I could, than 1 or 2 pieces would be satisfying.  But that is a skill that has, at least so far, eluded me...

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