Ahhhh - she LIVES

It has been almost a year since I last posted.  You guys don't have any idea how many times I thought of posting and then... didn't.  I'm making this post now, and, after so long will anyone out there even read it?  And does anyone even give a shit about what I have to say?

I was so going to post in December and then - out of the blue - sustained another running injury to add to my repertoir.  Posterier tibial tendenitis.  So I got to walk around in an air cast for a week and feel super sorry for myself.  I am not healed, but I am healing.

Then I was going to start posting for the New Year.  Instead I chose to cry and scream about the miserable weather.  Well, we WERE below zero - way below zero for days and days.  -25 when I got up yesterday FML.

So, here what's been going on.  Marc and I are doing great.  His dad fell and broke his hip in August.  At 99 it's nothing short of a miracle he survived the surgery.  He lives in an assisted nursing facility and as Marc used to go down to his house to care for him daily, this has been a huge change and is still an adjustment for all of us.

My dogs are fantastic.  Sisko is turning out to be a wonderful dog.  He is sweet, affectionate, mischievious and happy all the time.  I spent the last year gradually introducing him to running and he took to it like crazy.  He ran his first official 10K in early December.  Archer had some leg problems in May and we thought he had torn his CCL.  The vet was talking about repair surgery, but I doubled his dose of glucosamine and chondroiton and he's seemingly (knock on wood) back to normal.  I'm afraid one day it will tear, but I also can't see putting him through surgery when he currently has no symptoms.

Ok, so I'm talking about all of this why? Clearly it's to avoid talking about what this blog is supposed to be about - my weight!!

Over the last year I have achieved something I swore I would never let happen and I am now at my highest weight since 2011.  And it sucks.  I feel it in my clothes, I feel it whenever I exercise, and I see it in the mirror.  I feel ashamed and guilty.  

I could make a million excuses but the reality is I'm just eating too much.  I still eat pretty healthy and I'm still exercising.  But I am allowing myself too many - WAY TOO MANY - cheats.  

"It's just not fair!" I whine to myself.  If the studies on The Biggest Loser contestants are correct, my body, like theirs, produces Leptin in overdrive, making me constantly hungry.  I also burn about 20% fewer calories both at rest and during exercise.

It sucks.  But you know what?  Every single person out there faces challenges when trying to lose weight.  Because I don't have kids, I have a lot more time to exercise.  I have a steady job and don't have to work 50 hours a week to survive.  I don't have a chronic illness like diabetes that challenges me.  

So, yes, I have reasons and excuses.  And they are legit.  But I also have choices.  Instead of wishing for something that will never happen - like my body processing food and exercise like a 6 foot tall 18 year old boy, I need to put that energy elsewhere.

At my lowest, I held on to weighing 115 pounds for a while, and I guess I see that as a goal I "should" have.  It's like being okay with anything else is failure.  But then I remember how HARD it was to maintain that and I'm not sure I am willing to do that anymore.

So instead of remembering myself at 344 or at 115, I am going to try to see myself where I am today.  That means I am a short, 45 year old woman in reasonably good health who wants to lose some weight.  How much?  

I'm not sure I want to put a number on it right this minute.  First I need to get the courage to step on the scale.  Or find other ways to keep myself accountable.