The voices in my head…

I think I’ve told you guys before that when I was fat, I had my cholesterol test and it came back high.  Because I was still in my 30’s the doctor quickly explained that they would send some information to me and then practically ran out of the room.

Doctors, as we know, aren’t fond of having the discussion with their fat patients.

And sure enough, I received a couple of pamphlets in the mail about eating reasonable portions, moving more, and stopping eating fattening foods. 

I wanted to SCREAM “Do you think I’m a fucking IDIOT?”  The problem was not in the KNOWING, it was in the DOING.

And no pamphlet I was ever sent told me HOW.  I knew what I needed to do, knew a lot of what I was doing wrong, but I just couldn’t find the way to change.  Which is why I have TRIED to talk in the blog about the HOWS as well as the WHATS.

The last 3 days have been a flurry of me vacillating back and forth between utter and complete despondency and rage.  Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her  grief stages would know me well.

The stages I’m passing through, though, don’t have to do with just Chakotay, although things on that front are pretty bleak.  He clearly is NOT responding to the treatment.  His lymph nodes have grown, he is starting to lose his appetite.  So I have been rudely kicked straight out of hope.  It is fading quickly.

But I am also depressed and SO angry about what is going on in society today.  The hate, the murders, the way it feels that society is coming apart at the seams and that no goodness is to be found.

I am also depressed and angry at myself.  For my lack of self-control and willpower.  I’m not eating right and my exercise isn’t absent, but it’s not great.

And today I read an article about how to stop sabotaging yourself and your happiness.  It told me to stop comparing myself to others, to stop the negative self talk, to be grateful for my blessings, to look for good in the world.

Like the fat person pamphlet, I wanted to scream at my screen. 

I suppose somewhere, some people read that article and say “Oh yeah! I do compare myself to others – I’ll just stop that right this moment!”

But that’s not me.  I’m more in the NO SHIT category.  I know I’m my own worse enemy.  I know I am the only one who can change things.  But HOW?  How do I do that?