Ok, so lots to talk about! I had a really bad weekend which led me to sit down and say to myself - “Self, we need to talk!’
I have been running around in circles in my mind for a long exhausting time now. And it feels like every strategy I’ve tried is not working. I have not lost any weight, I am incredibly unhappy with myself. And the more I hate myself it feels like the deeper I dig myself into a hole.
So I looked at myself and realized that I have taken being HEALTHY to an UNHEALTHY level.
I found myself mentally and emotionally exhausted this weekend. It culminated in the following: Envision this - on Sunday it was hot - not oppressively hot, just beautifully summer hot. I was sitting on a sandy beach, the sun was blazing down and the wind was slightly blowing.
After a hard week, Chakotay seemed to be feeling better. So as I sit on the beach, Marc is playing with the dogs in the water. They are chasing toys and swimming. Chakotay keeps sticking his head under the water and is in heaven. And then Archer comes SPRINTING out of the water, tongue hanging out of his mouth, and runs straight at me and starts licking my face and getting sand and water all over me. He is utterly JOYFUL. Sounds like a great scene, right?
Now get in my head. I am MISERABLE. I am sitting on this beach and obsessively thinking about how I haven’t run since Thursday. I wonder when we’ll leave the beach and if I will get home in time to run on the treadmill, because I SHOULD run - I HAVE TO. I also wonder what we’re going to have for dinner. And, if the 30 mile bike ride I did that morning will have burned enough calories to justify whatever we’re going to eat.
How incredibly fucked in the head is that??!!
I have reduced my life to eating and exercising and everything else is just filler. Is that why I worked so hard to lose weight? So that my life could become an EXISTENCE instead of a LIFE?
So I had a frank discussion with myself Sunday night. Eating well is healthy. Exercising is healthy. Planning meals and being organized is a path to stay healthy. But the way I have done it has turned obsessive and twisted. I don’t think that it was always like this. I don’t remember it that way anyway when I was in the process of losing. But somewhere along the way I lost the plot line.
I feel like I had some success in running races so now I HAVE TO BE A RUNNER. People EXPECT that of me. So even if I’m not enjoying it, it’s REQUIRED, right? My “discipline” for working out is a good thing isn’t it? But when I am planning what exercise I’m going to do later that day WHILE I’M EXERCISING in the morning, Houston, we MAY have a problem.
People have complimented me on my organization. But when I know exactly what we are going to have for dinner, every week night, for 2 weeks in advance, that’s a little over the top. It is also rigid and inflexible. Which, I think, is one of the reasons on the weekend, I just go batshit with my eating, because I don’t have those “rules” for those 2 days.
So it started on Monday. I have new rules that I have decided to establish. After dinner, I will decide what we are going to have for dinner the next night and get out any meat that needs to be defrosted. But I am only allowed to plan that far in advance. Not for the next several days, just the next day. AND I will be flexible and open to curve balls. Every single time I start to think about meals and planning way in advance I have been telling myself “STOP!!” and consciously make a decision to think about something else. I don’t think I really realized how often I think about these things until I tried to stop thinking about them!
The new rules also apply to exercise. When I start thinking about how many miles I “have to” run this week and whether it is “good enough” or those miles to be on the treadmill or if they only “count” if I’m running outside, I, again, tell myself to stop. I will decide what exercise I want to do when it’s time to exercise - not days in advance. I am not a professional athlete. I am not training for a marathon or anything else. I am not required to live up to what anyone else expects about my workout routine. And if there is a day when I miss a workout, then I move on. I won’t obsess about it for days afterwards or try to work out even more the next day to “make up” for it.
Damn, my fine friends, it has only been 3 days, and this is not easy. I am trying to take the power of food and exercise away and make it a part of my life rather than the focus of it.
But I think it is right and I think it might help. At least I hope it will....
Funny enough, as I was writing this post, Pandora chose to play a song for me that I’ve never heard from a band called Sister Hazel. It’s called Change Your Mind. The lyrics really spoke to me:
Hey, hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today
Oh no
If you never want to have
To turn and go away
You might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind
Hey hey
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining, just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no, take it all in
The world's a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind
Hey hey
what ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind
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