Closing the door on May 2014.

We have arrived at the last day of May.  First off, I want to thank everyone who sent me good vibes knowing that I was crashing and burning a bit the last few days.

I know that you will find this completely shocking - NOT!  But I can tend to be a little bit of a hysteric.  Turns out I was making a gigantic mountain out of a very small molehill.  I had created a whole scenario of disaster which didn't materialize.  So I am good.

Where do I stand this last day of May?  Marc and I slept in the latest we have slept in (ok we weren't sleeping, but TMI!!) in months and months.  We are planning on going on a hiking adventure today.  We are as solid I think as we have ever been and for that I am supremely thankful!

Exercise - I gotta admit, I have fallen off the wagon hard.  Since the half-marathon I have not been running as much as usual and have lost my desire.  I have tried to offer all kinds of rationalizations - like "I'm just taking it easy on my Achilles" but that - like all other excuses - is bullshit.  My lifting sessions have also felt somewhat anemic.  I have been very active, but not as focused.  I plan to re-focus on that - we'll see how my long run goes tomorrow!

Weight - I weighed in this morning at 121.0.  That 1 pound above my red line and at least 3 pounds from where I would like to be.  And that's been the consistent pattern throughout May.  And somehow - I just can't bring myself to care.  I feel like I should care.  But I just don't.  So have I resigned myself to a higher weight?  Maybe?  Does that make me a failure?

And where do the other members of the family stand?

I continue to work on Chakotay's weight - which I'm measuring him, not weighing him.  He is slowwwwwwly losing some inches.  Now that we are able to walk and hike more, that should get better.

The baby chicks?  I didn't share this with you guys because it was SO horrible and we'd never had it happen before.  But a couple of days after we moved the baby chicks into the coop, the older hens attacked one of the babies.  They pecked off a whole bunch of her feathers and then the skin on her skull down to the BONE.  It was horrific and the baby ended up dying.  A lot of people who have had chickens insist to me that the baby must have been sick - even though she seemed fine - and the other hens instinctually knew it and got rid of her.

At any rate, what's done is done.  The other 7 are doing great and there have been no more incidents.  The older hens are laying away so we are having our fresh eggs and selling some by the road. 

I still have an itch.  That itch for a change.  The desire to take a risk and alter my path.  But overall, heading into not just a new month, but a new year of my life, I am feeling surprisingly positive and optimistic.

:(((

The easy way out...

I had a teacher in high school who was a pretty cool guy.  Like me, he spent his high school career in musicals, plays and other performance oriented pursuits.  I remember one day I had him for a study hall class and we were talking about the musical that we were currently doing.  He had been in the same one (Oklahoma!) when he was high school.  He told me that his dream had been to be on Broadway.

 I asked him why, then, he had became a teacher instead of heading to New York City to pursue his dream.

 "Because I like to know that I'm going to eat tomorrow..." he said matter-of-factly.

 I had that same dream and came to the same conclusion.  I asked myself if I was willing to work my ass off in crappy jobs, living in a cramped apartment, going to audition after audition hoping against all odds that my dream would come true.

 The answer was no.  So I took the easy, safer path.  A degree from a state college and then on to my Master's and then accepting and working my way up in jobs that I loved, but weren't exactly my dream.

 And I've been content. Having a home and a wonderful partner and lots of hobbies and the financial freedom to live pretty well - that's a helluva lot more then some people get!  In fact, like my weight, I know that some people would kill for what I have.

 But now - having made 1 revolutionary life change - I find myself seriously considering another.  How do you decide, though?  Staying right where I am is safe, and I'm happy. But there is another life that calls to me.  It would mean a major risk.  What if I fail?  What if, like many people have, I make this life altering decision and follow my heart only to find that what I thought was my dream turns out to be a nightmare and I totally regret giving up the life I had?

There is no going back.  If I ring this bell it can't be un-rung.  

 

 And the other side of the coin is what if I make this life-altering decision and it is everything I always dreamed of and I'm wildly happy beyond what I thought was possible?

So how do I decide?  Taking a huge risk goes completely against my nature.

Two sides to a story....

Dear body,

I fucking hate you.  I hate how after a weekend of working outside and running and walking and refusing what I really wanted to eat for something more healthy that you have “rewarded” me by a weight gain of 4 pounds since Saturday.

I hate your disgusting thighs and how so much extra skin hangs down that it looks like you have elephant legs.  I hate your flabby ass. 

I hate the stretch marks covering your stomach.

I hate the dark scar that goes all the way around your body.

I hate your extremely tiny boobs and square shape that makes you look like a brick.  I hate that you are so short.

I hate that you will never have been and never will be pretty.


Dear Body,

I fucking love you.

I love how, even after years of obesity and inactivity, that you now can run half marathons - and in pretty decent time!

I love your strong muscles and how you can carry and push heavy objects without needing help from anyone.

I love that you are forgiving and that if I eat right the weight should come back down within a few days.

I love that although you scar badly, that you heal fast and made it through a major surgery without complications.

Although you may never win any beauty contests, I love that for a woman about to turn 42 that you look pretty good.

I love your healthy nails and teeth and hair and your smooth skin.

I love that every scar on your body tells a story from an event in your life - like falling off your bike at age 10.

Memorial Day...

When I was a teenager I was not a fan of Memorial Day.  I was in the marching band.  For the 7 years of middle and high school I was required to march in the Memorial Day parade.  And every year except 1 it rained and was miserable.  So we marched and played in gross heavy wet uniforms.

I was lucky enough at the time to not have experienced a significant loss and I was a selfish brat of an adolescent and didn't think of much beyond what directly effected me.

Today dawned beautiful - warm breezy sunny.  I quickly went through the veggie garden again with the rototiller.  Then I really got down to work.  For 4 hours I planted the garden, fixed the fence around it, and then began working on planting containers of flowers.  4 hours is a long time to think if you are so inclined.

And I was today.  I thought about my father and grandfathers.  I thought about people I miss - both veterans and non-veterans.  I know that there are others out there that paid more tribute to today then I did, but it was time to reflect on my life and the lives of others.

We don't live anywhere near where my dad is buried.  But we are only 1.5 miles from the cemetery where Marc's mother and brother are buried.  Marc's Dad and sister had planted fresh flowers on their graves and Marc's dad really wanted us to visit.  So before dinner we took the dogs for a walk and stopped in to see.

Neither Marc nor I like visiting graves.  But it felt peaceful today.

 A serene end to a productive and welcome long weekend.

Decisions...

My original plan today was to get my veggie garden planted and some of my flower plants.  But after looking at the forecast for today and tomorrow and thinking about what I wanted to do - work wise and play wise - with the last 2 days of the long weekend, we decided to hike today and save the "work" for tomorrow.

 So my scheduled "long run Sunday" was cut a little short as I did only 10 miles and we headed out to a trail an hour from us.  We ended up hiking 8 miles. 

 Not bad for exercise today.  On the way home we stopped at Walmart to get dinner and a few things.  By that time I was HUNGRY.  First off, it's good to feel truly hungry - physical hungry and not that emotional "I'm anxious" or "I'm bored" desire to nosh.  But when I'm in that state of hunger and being a little worn out?  I don't always make the best choices.

So we walk into Walmart and the first thing we see is:

It's not a coincidence my friends that the minute you walk into most Walmarts, there is a case full of these high calories but oh so fucking delicious beauties!

 "Me WAAANNNT!!!  PIZZA GOOOOOODDDD!". Fat Jen wailed.

Thin Jen explained that there was better choices.  But Fat Jen?  She began "talking" quickly and frantically about the amount of calories we burned today and oh how good pizza is.

Thin Jen managed to move past the display case only to encounter the deli section with the mouth watering smells of fried chicken.  Fat Jen looked to Marc to see if he would back her, but Marc had a poker face on.  "Whatever you want is fine with me."

Under her breath, Fat Jen grumbled "Pick a side, Motherfucker!"  She can be mean when she fears losing!

 

 Thin Jen then looked a little further and saw the deli meat.  A decision was made and Thin Jen came out the victor.  Dinner ended up being a honey roasted turkey wrap with reduced fat swiss cheese and a bean based soup.  

 That pizza would have been good.  And the world would haven't ended if that was the choice I ultimately made.  Next time?  Maybe i choose the pizza.  But soon I'm going to crawl into bed feeling really positive about the decisions I made today.  

 That's always a good thing at the end of the day!!  

 

From highs to lows and back again!!

With all the anticipation of the half marathon last week and then being nervous about my doctor's appointment, I had been through a small emotional roller coaster.  And I didn't think I had pushed myself that hard at the 1/2 - my time wasn't that good.

But last week after the 1/2 I walked or ran an additional few miles every day - I had traveled 44 miles last week by Thursday night.  I probably should have rested a little more, but the winter was so terrible, that when it's nice, I just can't take being inside!!  It's like the sun calls to me!!

I then made what was apparently a stupid choice and worked my legs HARD on Thursday night.  When Friday rolled around I was emotionally a bit spent and my legs felt like lead.  So I didn't run at lunch - instead I went shopping for flowers and seeds.  **GUILT ALERT**

As Marc said - and as I would tell anyone else in the world - when your body tells you something you must listen.  But I still felt tremendous guilt.  An hour of yoga when I got home felt good, but I still felt a little unproductive.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed though and - believe it or not - skipping yesterday's workout did not result in a gain of 50 pounds overnight.  I was determined to get something accomplished today.

And I'm thrilled to report I did.  When we got up it looked like it was going to be a cloudy cool day and rain was threatening.  But shortly after noon, the skies cleared and the sun popped out, warming everything up.  I've been so upset about the delayed spring keeping me from putting in my veggie garden.  Today, I got the rototiller out and worked up the whole thing - refreshing the soil and smashing the weeds to death.  

How does one look this sexy rototilling?  It's a gift, people, a gift!

 

With that task accomplished, I began weeding my flower beds.  I was able to get them all weeded and ready for planting tomorrow!  I then moved on to the mess that was my herb garden and got that all cleaned out for some annual herbs to join the ones that returned from last year.

I am tired and smelly tonight and I feel fantastic.  I am looking forward to a hearty dinner and curling up with Marc tonight to watch a movie.

And - because I can't resist - and I know I can't be the only one out there that LOVES a bargain.  Marc and I took our garbage over to the transfer center today and on the way back we stopped at a couple of garage sales.  

We scored these very expensive almost brand new backpacks for the dogs for - guess how much??

 $1 EACH!!!!!!

BOO-YAH!