New bathing suit...

Ok, so I've had mixed reactions on this suit and I'd like your opinions.  But don't be too mean, I've had a hard week... ;)))

Let me first say that I have a few bikinis, so I wanted something a bit more modest and a bit more sporty.

A terrible tragedy...

Ok, in terms of really, really bad things that could happen to us, this isn't the end of the world, but it is a tragedy for us and Marc and I are both really upset today.  As if I needed something more to bring me down.

Last night all was well.  Marc went to collect the eggs and the chickens were - as they always are slightly before sundown - happily picking at the ground near the chicken coop.  They wander all around our land during the day, but as it starts towards dusk, they move to the coop and graze there before turning themselves in at night.  The coop is really close to our house.

Marc went out after dark as he always does to close the small door that the chickens use to go in and out and discovered that all the new baby chickens and the guinea fowl were there, but there was only one chicken.  He looked around outside and there had been a massacre.  There were feathers all over and no sign of any of the other chickens, or the rooster.  

He locked up the coop and went in search but did not find any of them.

This morning, he checked over the remaining hen and she is missing feathers but otherwise ok.  He ended up locating 2 other hens who apparently were able to escape their attackers and were ok.  He also find the remains of our poor sweet rooster.  But that means that the rooster as well as 5 our our 8 hens are dead.  

This is SO upsetting for a number of reasons.  Not only for the death of the hens, but I can't believe that the predators - we are pretty sure it was foxes - would come that close to our house and kill them!  Even the coyotes won't come close to the house because of the smell of our dogs!  

As Marc said - what if one of our cats gets out??!!  Then they would be eaten in a second!  And now we can't let the chickens out to free range because we are certain they will be killed.

I don't know what we are going to do!  

This morning I talked to one of my clients who has some live traps that he is going to loan me - it is illegal to kill foxes apparently - the sons of bitches...

My projects...

So, are you sick of me being a self-pitying whiny ass bitch this week?  Yeah, me too!  So let's talk about something else!

Ok, so first an update on my baby boy Chakotay.  It has been only 3 weeks since we started trying to assist him in his own weight loss journey.  The poor bugger.  It's hard with animals - even with young kids you can kind of explain things to them, but not to pets.  I think he is starting to get it a little anyway.  I took an updated picture last night and tried to get the same angle.  I think that you can see a little difference - what do you think?

May 8:

May 28:

I think he definitely looks thinner.  You know I should take measurements since it is next to impossible to weigh him on a regular scale!  We will continue to work with him and hopefully continue to see positive results!

Sometimes I think to myself that my life has become all about food obsession and exercise.  But I do have other hobbies, honest!  Did you guys know that I crochet afghans?  I finished this one last night:

I find crocheting relaxing.  I sit down at night while watching tv and I feel like I'm doing something productive, but it's not taxing on either the mind or the body.

This is one that I've made several times.  It makes a great wedding gift.  It is pretty fun to make.      

I made this one for our niece Mary for her baby, Maxine.

So I do have a life outside of what I always talk about here!

Today is a better day emotionally if anyone is wondering!  

A victory of sorts....

Yesterday, we traveled quite a distance in order to check out this recreation area that Marc found to try out some new hiking trails.  We decided not to work out in the morning and to just have lunch early and head out.

The place was AWESOME.  Much better then anticipated.  There are tons of trails to hike, and, for us, one of the best parts was that dogs that are well behaved are welcome to be off leash!  There were many dogs owners taking advantage of this.  

There was even a place where the dogs could head in to swim.  My boys had a blast:

I have been realizing lately that there are some experiences that I am not enjoying because I can't get out of my head thinking about weight and weight loss and calories.  So yesterday I was determined - before I left the house - that I was going to enjoy the hike and not think about time and calories burned.  

I was successful!  I stopped and took pictures and just enjoyed the wonderful hiking trails and didn't think about how far we were going and how many calories I was burning!  It helped that I asked Marc to track our miles with his hand held GPS that he brings with him when we walk on trails.  That way I didn't wear my watch and obsessively check it like I usually do.  

So that was my minor victory.  Of course, as it always seems to be with me, it was short lived.  I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed 121.2.  I was so incredibly discouraged.  It seems that I can't get down and stay down to where I want to be.  And so then that starts my head going and going and going.  I "should have" worked out in the morning.  I "shouldn't have" eaten that granola bar after our hike.   

I think I'm just - weight lossed out.  I'm sick and tired of thinking about food all the time.  I'm sick of worrying about every single calorie that goes in my mouth.  But the thought of not doing that and just cutting loose?  That is terrifying.  I've been doing this weight loss thing now for over 3 years and it has become a pattern.  

So my birthday is next Monday.  For this week, I'm going to try to eat healthy, listen to my body, and develop my goals for the summer. I'm going to try to get out of my head.  I'm not sure what this will mean mentally or physically, but I'm only talking a week.  We'll see....

And, just for shits and giggles, I wanted to share of pic of how tired out the boys were last night!  

Are they not the cutest things in the world??

The veggie garden!!

Yesterday ended up much better then anticipated after I was in such a crappy ass mood yesterday morning.  I reluctantly headed out for my run and promised myself that I only had to run 10 miles.  I took a little bit of a new route, and was able to get into the groove.  I took the turn for home, got to the sign that I know marks 3 miles from home and was shocked to discover I was at 11.75 miles.   So I ended up running 15 miles.  

Then, after a hearty lunch, I got to work on the vegetable garden.  Marc had rototilled it earlier and then went over it quick again last week to remove some remaining weeds and to loosen it all up for me.  

Planting a large garden is no easy task!  At least not if you are doing it by hand!  I would take a tool and dig a trench for the seeds all the way across the garden.  Then drop the seeds into the trench to the right depth.  Then go back over and bury the seeds.  

All told it took about 3 hours.  It was hard work, especially after running in the morning.  But this is what I planted and it will be worth it:

• Sweet corn
• zucchini
• summer squash
• spaghetti squash
• tomatoes
• cantalope
• watermelon
• green beans
• onions
• yellow beans
• peas
• snow peas
• sugar snap peas
• lettuce
• broccoli
• spinach
• eggplant
• cucumber

I cannot wait to have a crop of fresh veggies!  It doesn't look like much now, but hopefully we'll see the seeds start to sprout!  My goal this year to to WEED more, as last year weeds totally took over!

 

Anyone else doing a garden this year?

Hanging out in Crazytown....

The highs and lows of this journey is what often gets to me.  How I can possibly be so happy and content one minute and then crashing low the next boggles my mind.

So I've had a pretty rough week.  Being out of my routine started it, and even though I feel like I've caught up on my sleep, I think that I'm still a little fatigued.  

Plus the shitty weather we've had the last few days hasn't helped.  On Thursday, I ran, as per usual, on my lunch hour.  It rained the ENTIRE time.  I get back to work, change my clothes, try to dry my dripping wet hair and sit down at my desk to eat and..... the sun comes out.  I was able to mostly laugh that off.  But then Friday, the temps dropped into the 40's.  I head out for my Friday run and it's raining - again - except this time it is a cold, nasty rain.  I get about 4 miles in and I'm freezing, soaking wet, and miserable.  So I tell myself that I only have to run 5 miles, not my usual 7.  And that thought fills me with panic.  Yes, panic.  So, of course, I run 7 and get back to work.  My hands are so frozen that I had to have someone open the door for me because the hands don't work.  I spend the rest of the afternoon chilled and angry.

Yesterday, the plan was to plant the garden.  Except it was cold and windy.  So we went shopping instead.  I've been looking to buy a tankini or one piece bathing suit, since all I have are bikinis and there might be occasions this summer where I want to be in something more modest.  I try on suits and everything looks terrible on me.  Whether it actually looks terrible, or it's just the mood I'm in, I'm not sure.  Maybe I'll get the courage to post a pic of what I ended up buying.  Or maybe I'll return it.

I weighed in this morning at 119.0.  That is 2-3 pounds higher then I like to see the scale and so I'm depressed.  Which is RIDICULOUS.  I also don't feel like running this morning.  Who says I have to run?  Well me of course.  All of this CRAP is self-induced yet I don't know how to change it when I get like this.  

So, once again, I'll try to ride it out because I know that it gets better.  That miracle I spoke about a couple of days ago?  I'm waiting....

   Dear self, this is for you:

Waiting for the miracle...

I've talked here on many occasions about how much the journey of weight loss has in common with the journey of recovery from alcohol and drug addiction.  I think that I am especially attuned to it because I work every day with drug and alcohol addicts and hear their stories and struggles and can identify so strongly with what they are going through.

In Alcoholic Anonymous, they have a slogan:  

DON'T QUIT 5 MINUTES BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS

So what are they talking about?  Well, one of the definitions of miracle is the following:  A highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment.

I think that it is a miracle that I lost 228 pounds.  Nothing - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - in my history would have pointed to me being able to accomplish this!   

So what is the miracle you are looking for?  Because miracles lie all over the place:

• Being on a plateau and suddenly dropping 3 pounds in 1 week
• Turning down that piece of cake and eating your salad instead
• Realizing that you are exercising because it feels good, not just because you "have to"
• Walking 4 miles and realizing nothing hurts
• Hugging someone you love and realizing that their arms go all the way around you
• Getting up in the morning and looking forward to starting your day
• Running 30 minutes without stopping
• Putting on a size 8 dress and realizing that it is loose

These are all small miracles at times for those of us who have struggled with weight.  And just because a miracle happens, doesn't mean that every single day is a miracle.  There will still be those days when you eat the brownie instead of the carrot.  And there will be days when it seems like an impossiblity that you can lose the weight you want to.

The point is DON'T QUIT!  The miracle you are seeking could be 5 minutes away!  When suddenly you "get it".  When the world makes sense.  When your dreams start to come true.  

What has been a miracle for you in this journey?