The Twilight Zone…

This is NOT how I wanted to be spending my weekend.

The last part of last week, I really felt that I was starting to get my mojo back.  I was exercising faithfully and my eating was actually mostly in check.  I kind of felt some hope that I maybe I could do this.

I woke up Saturday with a plan – after weeks of being in drought conditions we we going to get rain.  So I was going to run on the treadmill and then clean the house some.

That’s what I get for having a plan.

We got up yesterday and Chakotay was limping horribly.  I looked down and his right front leg was HUGELY swollen and he couldn’t put hardly any weight on it.  I called the vet’s office who wanted him brought right in.

A quick exam pretty much ruled out a traumatic injury.  The vet told us that this was likely the lymphoma and it was not a good sign.  Just in case there was an infection – even though we saw no sign of a bite or cut, she prescribed a broad spectrum anti-biotic.  But she gently told us that we are nearing the end.

We got him home and tried to make him comfortable.  But with the clouds moving out, it became blisteringly hot outside and not much better inside.

And what did I do?  Nothing.  I felt paralyzed.  I literally couldn’t make myself do anything but sit.  And sit.  Oh yeah – and eat. 

So I wasted the entire day doing nothing except worrying, feeling sick, crying and trying to distract myself by multiple trips to the kitchen – HATING myself  but unable to do anything about it.

Chakotay seemed to get progressively worse.  By night, his leg was actually grotesquely swollen and HOT.  We had to lift him up to get him outside where he was able to limp around to pee.  We laid him in front of the fan and retired to our bedroom to watch some tv.

I checked on him after the show ended at about 11:30PM and he would  barely lift his head to see me.  I went back to bed and cried – I knew that we would, in all likelihood – have to take him in this morning for his final journey.

I hardly slept at all – tossing and turning.  I dozed off and at 4AM I heard some noises outside the bedroom.  Chakotay was at his dishes drinking water.

I got up and he actually wagged his nub seeing me.  I let him outside and noticed that while his leg was still very swollen, it had gone down some and he was able to walk better.

Relieved, I went back to bed and was able to fall asleep.

We got up just an hour ago and he is okay.  My boy is, most definitely, a fighter.  I gave him his pills – with some peanut butter to wash them down and he scarfed them up.

Chakotay is like his mommy apparently – we can and do eat through pretty much anything.

So today, I have to not sit around like some pathetic cow – you know – I have to be someone other than ME.

 

Let the flab fly!

It has been HOT here. I love the heat, but it has been HOT and HUMID.

Since it has been so hot, I’ve been reading lately some articles lately and the ongoing debate about women running in - GASP - sports bras only - without covering up with a t-shirt. Some women are just not comfortable running in only a sports bra. Some are physically not comfortable and some are just too self-conscious.  And that’s their choice.

But I’ve been a little surprised at the judgment of other women about women who choose to run in only sports bras. Some have made pretty nasty - in my opinion - judgments about women who do that. It’s especially surprising to me because a sports bra often covers more - MUCH MORE - than what a lot of women wear to the beach. And you rarely hear women going off about women and bikinis....

So today I packed my bike up intending to ride during my lunch hour.  When I opened my bag I realized that rushing around this morning I had forgotten to put in a tank.  I had running shorts, regular shorts, bike shorts, 2 pairs of socks and 2 different style sports bras but no tank or t shirt.

So I swore at myself and decided riding was out.

But then I thought – what if I rode in my bike shorts and sports bra only.

No, I couldn’t do that, could I?

I have – very rarely – ran in a sports bra only.  I once ran a sweltering 10K race in one.  But that was 3 years ago when I was my lowest weight and wasn’t concerned about all the fat bouncing around.  And ladies, the position on a road bike isn’t the most flattering for a big tummy.

And then I said FUCK IT.

I put on the sports bra and bike shorts and went out and got on my bike. 

The first couple of miles I was VERY self-conscious.  I was sure that everyone going by noticed the fat rolls overhanging my shorts.  But I also noticed how cool the breeze felt on my midsection.

So I rode.  Here’s what DIDN’T happen.  No one yelled anything insulting to me.  I didn’t get pulled over for RWB (Riding with Blubber).  No one drove past me and had to pull over to vomit.

Towards the end of my ride I saw a guy walking down the road with his shirt tucked into his back pocket.  His jeans didn’t fit terrible well and I could see the top of his ass crack.  And I noticed he had some belly flab.  I guessed that he probably didn’t think anything about walking down the road without his shirt on.  He probably didn’t wonder if other people were staring at his shirtless self.

So I don’t think that I’ll make a practice of riding or running with just the sports bra.  But there was something freeing about it.  And I think that women shouldn’t judge other women for whatever they choose to wear.

What say you?  Sports bras ok or cover yourself up??

Price of Perfection…

Are you guys watching the Olympics? I am following them loosely. It’s amazing to see these athletes and what they can accomplish! I feel so horrible though when someone screws up or gets injured - I mean they spend their whole life preparing and their dream can be GONE in just a split second...

I happened to run across an article today about the work it takes to become an Olympian and the sacrifices made to reach that level of greatness. You know, it’s funny, I just talked in yesterdays post about people thinking that it is easy for me. And as I read this article I realized that I make some of the same assumptions about people that have reached that point of utter amazingness, when really it’s about incredible hard work and tons and tons of sacrifice.

Now obviously to get to the point of Olympic greatness you have to have been born with some innate ability. For example, Michael Phelps’ body was just designed for swimming with the unusually long arms (proportionally to the rest of his body) and huge flipper like hands. But it’s more than that. He started competitive swimming at 7. 7 years old. The gymnast Gabby Douglas moved out of her house and was sheltered from the “real world” in order to make her into this outstanding, larger than life athlete.

It takes working tirelessly - hours per day every day of training. Not seeing your family. Not having real life friends. Eating for fuel and only eating the “right” foods. Pushing your body to the absolute limit - through injuries even. And for many of these Olympians - both in the US and other countries - enduring abuse (physical, mental and even sexual) by coaches and other people who take over the often young child’s life.

All to reach that one goal.

Is it worth it?

You see them standing up there on the podium with huge grins and I can only imagine that unbelievable sense of accomplishment.

But it doesn’t come without a price. Michael Phelps has had 2 DWI arrests and a stint in rehab. He has hinted that he was suicidal. Other former Olympians have talked about the adjustment of no longer being an Olympian. Of eating disorders, physical health problems and lacking social skills because they never developed any.

What’s the point of all this? I think about my own journey which is a small FRACTION of what these men and women have gone through. To make a huge life change has and will continue to require sacrifice. Time sacrifice, relationship sacrifices - doing what you need to do rather than what you want to do. There is NO WAY around that.

The question for each of you reading this is how “perfect” do you want to get? Because the more .lofty your goals, the more sacrifices you will have to make. If you want to run a marathon, you’re going to have to make big sacrifices. If you want to lose 100 pounds it’s going to take an incredible amount of effort. So do you set your goals lower? Settle for “this is good enough” instead of “I have to reach this goal”. You might not get where you ideally want to be, but maybe you value your time and, frankly, your mental health more than you want that ideal.

This is the spot I stand in right now. Am I “good enough”. And is “good enough” actually good enough??

I know some people who lost enough weight to improve their health. They have made efforts to “move more”. They are still “technically” overweight and are perfectly fine with this. They are happier and more confident. One woman told me “Look, I’m never going to get down to where the doctor says I should be, that’s just a fact”. And she is a-okay with this. I admit that I talk to people like this sometimes and am envious that they can be content being perfectly imperfect...

Fooled ya!

Last week was an incredibly chaotic week at work.  If you aren't in the field that I work in, maybe you aren't aware.  But heroin use in this country, especially in the northeast right now, has just exploded.  And it's more deadly than it has ever been.  People are dying by the DOZENS.  It so scary and discouraging.  What we're seeing, which is unexpected for a lot of people, is kids from very good families, typically upper-middle class, getting into this drug and before you know it they are addicted, arrested, or dead.  

At any rate, this has led, not surprisingly, to my workload.

Wednesday was just nuts and a guy that I started working with recently dragged himself into my office and said that he desperately needed his lunch break.  He mentioned that he was heading over to the Farmer's Market which they hold locally on Wednesdays.  Another co-worker said "Oh yeah!  I forgot that was today!  I'm heading over too!'

They both looked and me and I said "Hell NO!  I don't go anywhere near the Farmer's Market." 

The guy looked at me quizzically and said "What?  Why not?  There's all kinds of fresh veggies and stuff like that - I thought that you would be on that!'

To which I said "Yes, and there's also fried dough and Whoopie pies and tons of other things that I can't eat.  The smell itself is like a torture chamber for me!!"

The guy just stared at me for a minute and said "Huh.  You know, you have such a strong personality I sometimes forget that you have you own demons you face."

It's funny how other people perceive me.  I think that I walk around and pretty much have a lighted sign on me saying "THIS CHICK IS TOTALLY FUCKED IN THE HEAD!"  Seriously, I think that everyone can clearly see how screwed up I am.  And yet, here is this guy saying that he forgets that I have any "demons".  This happened to be just 2 days after someone else said to me something about how it's like "nothing" for me to get out and run 5 miles.  I suppose I should be flattered that people think that it is a cakewalk for me.  But sometimes I hate that people don't notice my struggle.  Maybe what I should wish for is to somehow find the strength that people believe I have!

In other news, Chakotay has been on Prednisone now for a couple of weeks.  This drug is usually helpful - on a temporary basis - for Lymphoma.  But it doesn't always work, and with T-cell Lymphoma which he has, the chances of it NOT working are even higher.  But happily the lymph nodes have shrunk remarkably and he is still eating well and appears to feel pretty good.

A not uncommon side effect of Prednisone - as most of you probably know - is behavioral changes, including aggression.  We have not seen even a bit of this.  However, yesterday we had the party at our house to celebrate Marc's father's b-day and just have a summer get together with his family.  I have to admit, I was nervous how Chakotay would be with all the commotion - and was really worried about how he might act around our young nephews and the German Shepherd that I expected to come.

Fortunately, he acted pretty much his normal, laid-back mellow self.  He was great around the boys, the other people, and the dog.  He got a lot of extra loving from Marc's family - who are all animal lovers - who knew that might be the last time they see him.  He also got to eat a hotdog.  We rarely give our dogs "people food" but he's going to get many previously off-limits food choices he wants.

And you guys know what I'm going to say.  I was a complete disaster yesterday food wise.  I have fallen so far I feel like I have dug a hole for myself that I can never ever get out of.  I know that it is never too far or too late, but nothing - NOTHING - no strategy that I have employed has even had the remotest effect.    It's a constant 1 step forward, two steps back process.  

So apparently I have at least some other people fooled, that this is easy.  Now I just have to fool myself!!     

Skinny Pop Popcorn

Popcorn is one of my favorite go-to snacks, particularly at night. 

Popcorn is low calorie and high in fiber.  It is a whole grain food and contains about as much antioxidant benefits as many fruits and vegetables.

So it is a perfect food to grab as a snack when someone is trying to lose weight!  I make raw kernels in a popper machine, but I have to admit that sometimes it gets a bit bland.  On the other hand I’m certainly not going to add butter or other additives that increase the fat and calorie count.

SkinnyPop has a line of popcorn flavors – from dark chocolate to jalapeno to white cheddar – all tapping in at around 40-45 calories per serving.  So you can have this treat with additional flavors without loading up on fat and calories!  The wide assortment of choices make it perfect to grab as a snack and fulfill whatever craving you are having.

Apparently pairing wine with popcorn has gotten pretty popular – a way to unwind and treat yourself at the end of a long day.

You guys know that I don’t drink, so I can’t particularly recommend any wines that pair with popcorn.

But SkinnyPop has created this graphic showing which flavors pair the best with various types of wines.

 

So the next time you want to have a night in and relax without the guilt of having downed an entire pint (or more - been there done that!) of high calorie ice cream or something equally bad for you, instead you can have some healthy flavorful popcorn without the guilt!

Putting on some weight!

If you are anything like me, you are always looking to burn as many calories as possible in the shortest amount of time. I really enjoy taking walks with the dogs. In super-hot weather like we’ve been having there is just no way for me to run on my lunch hour for any amount of time and get cleaned up enough to be presentable the rest of the day, so I find myself doing power walks at lunch instead.

And walking is SO good for you! You get to burn calories without the impact stress of running, it strengthens your hips and glutes, which is especially needed for people who work a desk job, and is great for  your heart. In addition, studies have shown that it reduces stress and helps people work on internal issues almost as well as mediating.

The only problem for me, is that even a fast walk doesn’t burn the calories that I would like to. So I started researching ways to increase the benefit of a walk. They used to sell weighted hand and ankle weights for walking. However, research started showing that walking with these weights - especially ankle weights - was causing joint damage. So most experts don’t recommend walking with them. I have carried 5 LB dumbbells with me for a walk, but they are cumbersome and place a lot of stress on the arms, which is not where I want to focus.

Taking a cue from the military, “rucking” has come into fashion. Using a large backpack filled up has a ton of physical benefits. But I didn’t see myself hauling a backpack to work and throwing it on to walk at lunch.

And then I found a weighted vest. I started researching and discovered that weighted vests provide extreme benefits in multiple areas. I put one on my Amazon “wish list” and was thrilled when Marc got it for me for Xmas last year.

I have been using it to power walk, and what a great workout it is! Mine is a 12 lb. vest but you can get lighter or heavier versions. First off, wearing the weighted vest to walk strengthens your core. This vest, as you can see, straps on similar to a backpack. It sits right between your shoulder blades. Wearing the weight there, forces you to hold your body straight. While the vest does not move around at all, your body still needs to compensate for the weight there and uses core muscles to accomplish this. This not only strengthens your core, but improves your posture - something I need desperately. I have always had bad posture, but the skin removal surgery made me hunched for a while until the skin stretched, and my posture remains a challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In addition, having the weighted vest on strengthens your shoulder muscles and leg muscles as there is simply more weight to propel forward when you walk. It also increases the cardio benefits of a walk, because having more weight to haul around is harder work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are a runner, studies have shown that those runners who wear weighted vest while walking run faster without that weight on them. Your body apparently gets used to carrying the extra weight and once it is off, you are freed up and run faster. Some people use vest when they do sprints, but I wouldn’t advocate that for us mere mortals. That is for very strong and very advanced runners.

Here what I also love about the weighted vest. It’s not just for walking. I wear it to add some difficulty to other exercises. For example, I wear it doing P90X Kempo, which increases the cardio and strength benefits. Try doing a few push ups or planks or squats in that sucker - you will know it!!

And guess what? It doesn’t have to just be for advanced exercising. Wearing a weighted vest while doing simple household chores will increase our calorie burn. You can wear it while vacuuming, dusting or anything else that you are doing where you are looking to make it a little more challenging.

Some cautions – you want to start with a lower weight depending on your fitness level.  You can buy adjustable vests where you can add or remove weights, but of course they cost more. 

If you have back or neck problems, this might not be something that you want to invest in, because it does put quite a load on your back. 

If your not sure the weight or if it will aggravate any issues, try on a backpack first and see what weight feels right.

But if you are looking to add a little challenge to your walk, this might fit the bill as it does for me!

New month, same me…

Today is August 1^st. We are now way past halfway into 2016. Needless to say that this is not the year that I wanted to have so far.

When 2015 came to a close, I was bound and determined to get my shit together for the new year. I was so sure that I had it in me to get back on track. But it hasn’t happened. I cannot find the inner strength or will or whatever to focus long enough to make any progress.

I am trying so hard to stay in the here and now and live each day gratefully, but that is just not in my nature. Fortunately, at least so far, neither is giving up.

Speaking of bright spots, Marc’s father’s birthday was Saturday - he turned 98. 98 years old!! Because we were in the bike race we didn’t do much for or with him, but we are hosting the annual family get together next weekend and will celebrate with him and the rest of the fam dam then.

We did make some time to go visit him. Recently he has been somewhat focused on getting his house cleaned up so that the family won’t have a lot to do when he is gone. I don’t know why he is suddenly focused on this, but I guess when you’re that age you worry about things like that a lot.

Anyway, as we were talking he asked me to wait and he made his way over to a bookcase in the living room, got down on his hands and knees and started rummaging around. He pulled out this large hardcover book.

He held it out towards me and asked if I remembered it. I stared at it - it was one of those books in the Time-Life series and it was “Pictures of the Century” or something like that. It had each decade and lots of pictures of what was going on then in pop culture and the world in general.

I then remember that one of the first years that Marc and I were dating I had bought that for him for Xmas, because he LOVES reminiscing and seeing pictures of things from the past.

He told me that he wanted me to have it “when the time comes” and asked if I “could possibly make room for it” in my house because he thought it should be returned to me. According to him, he had been very worried about this and by me agreeing to take it, it set his mind at ease.

Now setting aside that he was worried about who would get this book after he is gone - he is 98 years old. Marc and I started dating in 1989. So I probably bought it for him in 1990 or 1991. And he remembers me buying that for him all that time ago!

I typically can’t remember what I did 2 DAYS ago, let alone what someone bought me for Xmas years and years ago!! It’s pretty amazing, right?

Marc - and I - are pretty lucky to still have him in our lives.

So each day I am trying to be grateful for things like that. That Chakotay is still here. That I can ride 50 miles in a bike race and wake up the next day and do 25 as a “recovery ride”. That each day I come to a job that is incredibly challenging and so heartbreaking and frustrating at times, but that maybe, just maybe, I help make someone’s life better.

And would things in my life be remarkably better if I could just find the strength to lose 40 pounds? Well, that is the battle that rages in my head.

The rest of 2016 will hold some challenges for me. I can’t say right now how well I’ll handle them.