Who gives a shit?

The other day in my e-mail box I got an e-mail from Fitocracy.  It was an article written by a man named Jason Helmes.

It hit home so hard that by the time I reached the end of the article I was in tears.  Here it is and I hope you’ll take the time to read it:

http://www.fitocracy.com/knowledge/the-six-pack-of-unhappiness/

Did you read it?  If you didn’t take the time, the main gist of the article is that for your “everyday” man and woman, no one gives a shit about the tiny things.  And getting to some nearly unattainable goal won’t make you happy if you haven’t changed internally.

I am sure that most people in my life are incredibly happy and proud of me for losing the weight that I did.  And they must be glad that I am no longer a ticking time bomb.

But as far as giving a shit whether I weigh 119 or 125?  Nope.  Do they stare at me and think “Woo – she had a little more definition there one year ago – what happened?”  I’m guessing not.

And here’s the thing – I care for the wrong reasons.  Which doesn’t remove my fear.  There is no moment where the heavens open up and suddenly I get it and find peace.  But each little insight bring me closer to what my real goal is – happiness and self-acceptance.

Come on baby say you love me!

123.4

That's the number that greeted me this morning.  It's funny how relative things are.  That number really would have upset me a while ago, but today it was a sight for sore eyes.

Moreso then just the number (although I won’t lie, the number was important) it’s concrete proof in my mind that what I’ve been doing has not been in vain.

The battle continues, but I've been reasonably happy with myself this week.  I've been eating well and it hasn't been a fight - I've actually felt good about eating right.

I am still frustrated with running.  I went out and ran today and everything hurts.  My Achilles on one side and what might be piriformis on the other as well as a touch of planters fasciitis!  For fuck's sake!  Ironically the only thing that doesn't bother me is what everyone worries about - my knees!

In other news, we got a new rooster today!  Hopefully he won't turn into an asshole like Tony!

Keeping the faith…

Who the heck was that person in 2011?  You know, the one who was incredibly patient with herself.  The one that understood that weight loss is not linear and doesn’t always make sense.  The one that was okay when the scale didn’t respond immediately to “good behavior”.

Because she is totally MIA right now!

I am holding steady at 125.  And while I’m trying to remain confident that being on plan eating and exercising wise will result in a drop there’s a part of me that just wants to say FUCK IT.

My co-worker was in my office telling me a story today and as part of the story she was talking about how they “always go for ice cream together.”  I swear, I missed about the next 5 minutes of her story because in my head I was like “ICE CREAM?  Why do you get to fucking eat ice cream?  How come you don’t get fat?  How come I even THINK about ice cream and gain 3 pounds?  NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!”

LOL

I’m such a pathetic loser.

I am doing really well this week.  Each night I have looked longingly at my peanut butter jars and sighed as I closed the cabinet door without even a taste.  I am working out, but also listening to my body.

I really want to get back down at least 5 pounds and sacrifice is what it will take.  And having faith.

Review: WENDY’S salad

When I started this journey there were a couple of things that became complete no-no's.  One of these things was fast food.  I have not had a burger or fries from a fast food joint in over 4 years.  I have only gotten coffee at McDonald's and got a salad from Wendy's 3 summers ago.  I occasionally get a salad from Subway.

But last week my lunch date canceled and I had not brought in anything for lunch.  As I walked during my lunch hour, I remembered Marc talking about Wendy's new salads and I decided to give it a shot.

As I walked into Wendy's that overpowering familiar greasy smell immediately made my stomach rumble.  And there was a huge cardboard pretzel bun staring me in the face.  Oh, glorious pretzel bun, how I wanted to try you!!!  But Thin Jen turned us towards the salads.

I ordered the Apple pecan chicken salad.  This come with pomegranate salad dressing, but, as you know, I don't eat salad dressing so without it, the salad comes in at a sweet 340 calories.

I got it to go and opened it once I was back at my desk.  The first thing I noticed was the generous size, complete with what appeared to be a lot of chicken.

The pecans came in a small separate baggie which I opened and dumped over the salad.

In addition to the chicken and pecans, the salad contained cranberries, apples, blue cheese and, of course, a lettuce mixture.

I dug in - wow! I did not think it would be this good!

The lettuce was wonderfully fresh and crunchy.  The apples tasted as if they were recently picked.  There were many more cranberries then I expected and they were sweet and tasty.  The roasted pecans were absolutely delicious.  And the blue cheese was exactly what you want it to be - creamy and with a slight tang to it!

There was a large portion of grilled chicken.  Like most of these salads, there was a slight "processed" taste to it, but the overall flavor was excellent, and it seemed to be real breast meat, free of any grizzle or other distasteful parts that these fast food choices can have.

Best of all, I found the salad filling and satisfying and I was content until dinner.

So overall, I was very impressed and happy with this salad and it's good to know that there is a tasty, healthy fast food choice!

Some sort of poetry…

I don't have the heart of a poet.  In fact, I don't get and don't like most poetry.  Robert Frost seems to be the exception.  His poetry speaks to me.  He is often misquoted, and one quote that is attributed to him is wrong, but it's close:

And this is where I am today.  As we all know, there are no magic spells, no miracle pills, and no quick answers.  That's what I reminded myself today as I once again faced the scale and got bitch-slapped.

I'm not going to tell you I wasn't discouraged, because I was.  But, in what is a minor victory, I didn't spend the next 2 hours hating and berating myself.

Instead, I had a healthy breakfast and lunch.  And when heading out to run there was no strict mandate as there typically is.  I gave myself permission to stop whenever I felt like it.  And I also gave myself permission to run slow without a need to be the speediest bitch on the block.

And it was so freeing!  I had a great run and guess what?  Even though I had permission to stop, I didn't want to.  I felt relaxed and calm.

Maybe because I'm going THROUGH instead of trying to go around.

And I know that if I continue this way, I'll be okay.  I just need to hold on to this zen feeling for a while...

Do you see what I see?

beau·ti·ful
ˈbyo͞otəfəl/
adjective

having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind:
a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

 

There’s been a thing going around Facebook lately.  It’s stupid, like most of the things on Facebook, but, on the other hand, it’s “heart” is in the right place, unlike a lot of the crap you see.

Someone challenges you to post 5 pictures of yourself where you feel beautiful.  And when you post it, you also challenge your friends to post the same. 

So my friend Jessie posted her pics – and she IS beautiful BTW – and tagged me a couple of weeks ago.  I smirked when I read it and then thought about it.

I realized this.  I have never – NEVER –felt beautiful.  Not once in my life.  Let alone have a pic of myself where I feel beautiful!

Now let’s get something perfectly clear.  I’m not saying this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I’m also not seeking compliments!!  And it’s not that I think I’m hideous.  I wasn’t horrifically ugly when I was fat and I’m certainly not now. 

But beautiful?  No way. 

And I was thinking about this late yesterday when I was looking at photographs from the race like these:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the very first thought I had when I saw these was how I have huge bat wings.  And then I said to Marc that you can see my thigh muscles, but they’re covered up with so much loose skin it looks horrible.  And I also thought about how OLD I look.

I wonder what other people think when they are looking at these pictures.  Especially people who don’t know me or anything about me.  Do they see the massive imperfections that I see? 

Seeing this woman running in a tutu and coming in first – would they think that it was a confident woman there or would they know how much I doubt myself?

And I’m picking apart myself when I’m actually feeling pretty good about life today!  This isn’t me in a dark place trashing my looks – it’s even when I feel happy!

So I guess it’s no wonder that when I get into THOSE moods that I am soooooo hard on myself.

I think I need to realize that there’s never going to be a time when I’m completely satisfied with my looks and just be okay with that.

Race the Lake!

After a weird week, I woke up – freaking early BTW – for the 10K I was doing this morning.

This is my 3rd year running this race and it’s the last year they are holding it.  The last 2 years I was the 2nd fastest female, and I wanted first this year. 

In addition to the 10K run, there was 10K biking, so Marc was stoked. 

I was feeling much more confident entering this race – not confident that I would win, but confident that I would have a good run - unlike the race 2 weeks ago.  I had my magic tutu on, you know!

Anyway, we arrived early to almost ideal weather – low 70’s, hazy and only a very slight breeze.  Usually running along the lake brings a lot of wind, but not today.  It was pretty humid and warming up quickly, but that was a-ok with me.

As I stood in line at the port-a-potty I overheard a woman talking to a friend.  She looked to be in her 40’s and told the guy that she had reviewed last years times and was “pretty sure” she could take first.  “Damn!”  was my thought.  She also had a long grey-ish mullet. 

Marc and I stood ready to go and I wished him luck as they called the bikers to the line to head out first.

Then we racers lined up and I noticed it was a pretty small field.  BANG!  We were off.  Ms. Mullet passed me quickly.  As I always do, I tried to keep a slow pace and at mile 1 I came in at 8 minutes. 

At mile 1.5 I passed Ms. Mullet and wondered if she was going to save something to the end.  I saw 2 women ahead of me – a very pretty blond who was impossibly tanned and an extremely thin and fit looking woman in her 20’s.

We took a turn at mile 2 and I realized I was pushing myself too hard because I was already beat.  Mile 2 came in at 7:30.

But during that mile I had passed the blond.  Shortly after mile 3, I passed the other woman and knew I was in first.

Mile 3.5 is where we took the turn that allowed us to run along the point – the water was beautiful and glimmering today in the hazy sunshine and I realized I was actually enjoying this run – isn’t that the point??!!  And Barry Manilow came on my MP3 player to serenade me (I love me some Barry – no judgments please!!!)

Mile 5 started with a water station.  I usually don’t stop for water in these 10K’s, but it was getting hot, and I was pretty thirsty from pushing so hard, and plus my Achilles was screaming.  I debated if I should stop because this would allow people to catch up, but then I realized that if they had caught me, we still had over a mile to go, so they would pass me anyway, so I might as well take a quick break.  I gulped down the cold water and looked behind me.  I was shocked to see that there was not one person in sight!

So I took off again and the last 1.2 miles was a beautiful coasting run.  Marc had – obviously – finished and was there to take pics.  I was in better shape this time then 2 weeks ago at the end!

A pretty sweet run!

Final stats:

• 4th place overall – out of 52 racers.
• First place female
• Time = 48:13

We then headed down to where we enjoyed the spoils:

Marc finished in 3rd place so we both got awards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All in all, it was a pretty great day.  I did not weigh myself this morning and probably won’t tomorrow.  I wish I could say that I am beyond the point where the scale dictates how my day goes, but it isn’t true.

So I’m not going to let it bring down my happiness about today!!