Try try again…

So..... do you ever feel like a broken record? Because that is the story of my life lately.  I guess there are a lot of you out there that might be reading this and have never even listened to a record, so maybe you don’t even know what that means - I’m damn OLD, people!

But after being mired in self-pity - once again - for the last few days, today I had what I hope was a revelation.

Marc and I went to a party on Saturday. It was a ton of fun. I acted like an idiot. I even kissed a girl just for fun - she was drinking - I did not have that excuse. I remember Fun Jen and she has been absent most of the time in the last couple of years.

I ate WAY too much at this party and spent Sunday berating myself for being such a fat pig. And not being able to run just exacerbates the problem - in my head anyway.

So yesterday Marc and I went on a hike. Probably not the smartest thing for my foot. I thought that maybe walking barefoot on sand would lessen the pain. I was wrong. Sunday night I was hurting but trying to figure out how I could run, anyway.

Marc and I got to talking about next weekend. Remember the post I did on Diana - who died New Year’s Eve after an incredibly courageous battle with brain cancer? Her family is having services for her next weekend. That same day, I have been asked by members of the local recovery community to speak briefly at a tree planting and remembrance ceremony for those who have lost their lives to heroin addiction.

Given the times that the 2 events occur, I think I can fit them both in. But as I was telling Marc about this, I began thinking - how am I going to fit in exercise that day? Should I get up early and do something? I began calculating how early I would need to get up to get at least an hour of exercise in, take a shower, and then get to the place the service is being held.

This morning I started thinking that this was probably not normal. I mean, I am NOT a professional athlete. I am not “in training” for something. Yet I am worrying about the exercise I “NEED” to do which is about a week away. Although I have joked about being addicted to exercise, I have meant it as that - a joke. And after all, I saw the MD earlier this month who told me to keep up on my exercising, right?

So today I started to read some articles about exercise addiction from experts. And there were things about the personality of people who tend to over-exercise, like being perfectionists, with low self-esteem who are “obsessed” with body image. It also talked about insisting on exercising when injured (that DOESN’T sound familiar, right?) Or fitting in exercise whenever there is some free time. Or exercising more than 1 hour a day, every day.

But the line that really got me was from an expert who has studied exercise addiction and he said that the line between someone who just is a healthy exerciser and one who is addicted is “Do you fit exercise around your life or do you schedule your life around your exercise?”

How is this possible? How is it that someone like me - always fat who NEVER EVER exercised except maybe taking the dogs on a short walk - how is it possible that maybe there is an issue here? It seems like fiction. I don’t see myself as someone who over-exercises. In fact, I think of myself as normal to low normal when it comes to exercising.

So I decided I have to change my priorities - bursting into tears because I had planned to ride the exercise bike and instead something came up so I couldn’t - that’s fucked up, right? I don’t even know anymore - my perspective is skewed.

But it was nice to see Fun Jen again. I don’t know that she can co-exist with Exercise Obsessed Jen. And Exercise Obsessed Jen isn’t even accomplishing what her goal is - which is to be thin.

So that’s where I’m at today - right now. I hope that this is a positive step mentally, we’ll see. I wonder if this will have a positive effect on my eating as well?

I know that I lost a lot of weight exercising in what I think was a healthier manner. So it can be done - at least I hope so....