A half-hearted WOO HOO

It's been almost a month since I last posted.  I almost feel like I've been moving in slow motion.  This fucking winter just refuses to die and I am sick and tired of being cold ALL THE TIME and being stuck inside.

Then there's the war with myself and the scale.  It has relentlessly and heartlessly continued to bump back and forth with the same 2 pounds.  And then, just like that, without really doing much different - BANG BANG BANG - down 3 pounds over the last 3 days.

Part of me wants to celebrate this unexpected gift.  But the pessimistic part of me believes that if I can drop this unexpectedly, then tomorrow I could see that I gained those 3 pounds back for no reason.  And if those pounds are truly gone, I still feel that I have so far to go.  Geez, Jen, can't you allow yourself to just be happy for at least a few minutes??!!

A couple of days ago a friend tagged me on Instagram.  A run blogger had posted my before and after in their feed with the word "Inspiration".  I think those pics were from the story Runner's World did on me a few years ago.  The before was a pic from my wedding reception in 2005 in my full fat glory.  The second pic was from 2013  with me holding a trophy after coming in 1st in a 10K.

I showed this post to my friend and mentioned how weird it is to see myself just pop up out of nowhere.  She scrutinized the pics.  She then gently asked me if I could see that I was "too thin" back then.

I immediately said "No way!!!" She told me that at that time I looked "fragile" and pointed out features that she sees in people who are anorexic - not that I was to that point, but I was on the road there.  I told her that at that point I was still about 10 pounds away from "underweight" according to the BMI standards.

My friend then said that I look so much healthier now, and even though I want to lose weight she hopes that I won't get to that point.  I told her that when I look at that pic that I am jealous of me.

Crazy? Maybe, but I think of that person that seemed to have so much self control.  That could refuse brownies and cake and didn't eat spoonfuls of peanut butter like it was her last meal ever.  She stuck to her goals.  It wasn't that long ago!! So why can't I be her again??!!