The lie of hunger

Once again, I have a renewed commitment to get my ass back on track. In that vein I have been making more than just a half-assed effort to control my eating. I haven’t really changed my workouts - I probably should mix it up, but since I do work out at least 2 hours a day, I think I can skate on this for a little while.

And, I have forced myself to get on the dreaded scale. If I had less of an ego, I would share that number with you, but the shame I feel is so great, I just don’t have the courage to put that number in writing for all of the blog-o-verse to see.

But anyway... I have a big problem with what I saw another person call the “taste, lick, nibble”. So it’s not about super overindulging or eating terrible foods, it coming home and having “just a nibble” or, while spreading peanut butter on the dogs’ treats having “a small taste”. Well, all of those small licks and nibbles and tastes actually have calories believe it or not!

So those have, at least for the time being, stopped.

Last night I went out to get my evening snack - which is typically a non-fat yogurt cup.

And my stomach was HOWLING. I was ravenously hungry. Fat Jen trumpeted that I had not eaten enough - that I was starving myself. That my body needs food. And an 80 calorie yogurt wouldn’t cut it.

So I stood there in front of the refrigerator and surveyed the contents as behind me, in the cupboard where the peanut butter is housed, I heard voices. They told me to come over and just have “a little bit”. Peanut butter is mostly healthy, and you are SOOOOOOO hungry the voices said.

Reluctantly I took the yogurt out of the refrigerator and full of self-pity I made my way back to the living room where I pouted while eating it and watching Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit.

I went to bed as I normally do at 11 PM and woke up about 2:30 AM needing to pee. As I walked to the bathroom, I realized something. I wasn’t hungry. My stomach wasn’t talking at all. I wasn’t counting the hours until morning and breakfast. There were no GROWLY noises.

When I was in the kitchen last night, I thought it was real hunger. My stomach lurched and growled. It felt TOTALLY legit. It was not boredom, or thirst, or sadness or any of those emotional triggers that cause me to eat when I don’t need to. Or so I thought.

But I was clearly wrong. That type of ravenous hunger, if it was true hunger would not have been satiated by 80 calories - even high protein, healthy 80 calories. It should not have carried me through the evening and into the night. But yet, here I was, hours later, and there was no sense of truly needing to eat.

Is it because I never snack - never nibble, taste or lick in the middle of the night that I wasn’t triggered?  You see, my body is clearly a LIAR. When I got up this morning I was ready for breakfast, but I wasn’t STARVING.  Not like I “should have” been if my body had been telling me the truth the night before.

At least the scale dropped 4 pounds from yesterday. Yeah, I know, not real, but certainly positive reinforcement.

I’m going to pretend that this fake feeling of hunger is a sign my body is dropping pounds, and that it will be 4 pounds per day each day.  Geez at that rate, I have just a short time and I’ll be back at goal, right?!?!