Monday, March 7, 2016

A hater’s paradise…

It’s been a while. I wish I was eloquent enough to express why I haven’t been posting but I really have nothing to say.

I feel like all of you must just get so sick and tired of my bullshit. If I’m sick of it, you must be, too!

Some of you have e-mailed and asked about me and there are no words to express how much I appreciate it. But I am clearly no inspiration or example to anyone.

Last Thursday was Marc and my 11th wedding anniversary. If I were a normal well adjusted person, then I would have enjoyed a nice celebratory dinner and then moved on. But NO. Instead, after eating like a pig Thursday night, it only made sense to carry that pattern into the weekend, culminating with a family get together yesterday that involved me showing every piece of food I could find into my mouth.

I try to justify my actions and make excuses for why it is so much harder for pooooooorrrrr me.

When I look in the mirror it literally makes me sick how horrible I look. And I vow with every ounce of sincerity to change. That lasts only a few hours before I fuck it up - again and again..

I made an appointment to see the doctor next month for my annual exam. I told the nurse that I wanted the additional thyroid tests ordered, not just the standard one that they typically do. The doc not only ordered them, but also ordered a full metabolic profile based on my symptoms.

I told my co-worker that I must be sick in the head because I am SO hoping that they find something. I told her I must be completely defective wanting something to be wrong me with - wanting to have the easy answer why I can’t lose weight. BOY, I am going to be incredibly disappointed when the official diagnosis is...


So I apologize, and I totally mean it. I apologize for not being able to be the positive person that I so want to be. I apologize that I can’t find it in myself to get back on track and be an example of how to succeed in keeping weight off.

I hope that those of you that read this blog are doing 10 MILLION times better than me. Because I know it can be done. Just apparently not by me!


  1. this is YOUR blog. it's not only meant for when things are good. you are still an inspiration cause you are bring real. you are not alone in your struggle to maintain, the reality is that it IS fucking hard and it IS an everyday battle which I lose most days. I wish something could explain why I can't lose weight or moreso hoe can I gain so damn fast. hang in are NOT alone.

  2. Like I said " Look at you all being human". All we can do when we fail ( our words not truth) Breathe in breathe out and move on.....
    The only way we can quit starting over is not quit just keep plugging away.

  3. I think that it's great that you're courageous enough to share your thoughts in such an uncensored manner. That alone is inspiration. It doesn't surprise me that you binge eat. You work out so much, your body must be screaming for food all of the time. I know that when I am marathon training, which I am again now, that I feel like I'm always hungry, and that I'm always eating. I pigged out so much the other day that I was actually in pain. And today... You were running when I was headed to the pizza shop. You're not alone.