The avocado fail!

I have never been a good cook.  But when I started getting healthy, it was necessary for me to learn to cook at least some.  The days of buying scalloped potatoes in a box, or a can of Spaghetti O's or even 78% lean ground beef mixed with some corn and cheese and calling it dinner were over.

My tastes changed as well, so I do the best I can.  We eat a lot of fresh meat, which Marc cooks, and a lot of salads.  I can even put together a casserole - thankfully healthy eating is in vogue and there are smart people who post detailed recipes for people like me.

My biggest cooking quest has been to find desserts that taste great without the typical 10 billion calories.  And I'm not talking the "refreshing light desserts".  I want cookies and brownies and ice cream.  Fortunately, Halo Top has taken care of ice cream for me!

I have found some surprisingly great dessert recipes.  Sure, they aren't going to taste as good as the fat and sugar laden goodies of my past, but I can be naughty without being too naughty.

I have 2 healthy banana bread recipes, some protein brownie muffins, skinny peanut butter swirl brownies to name a few - they're pretty yummy.  Most use natural sweetners, like overripe bananas, honey and maple syrup, and some call for baking Truvia.

This week I ran across a recipe for brownies - they were designed for those following the keto diet.  The recipe called for avocado, sweet potato, maple syrup and some other ingredients.  Avocados are SO good for you, but I rarely buy them.  Some people live in a climate where they can grow them out back.  Not here! They are around $2 a pop!

So I made them for my Saturday evening treat.  For dinner we had some tasty lean pork ribs, and a kale, apple, cranberry and walnut dish that we love.  Given that healthy dinner, I felt justified and excited to try the brownies that looked thick and fudgy.

AND TASTED LIKE DIRT. 

They were so seriously disgusting.  A nutrionist was credited with the recipe, and given the ingredients they were most certainly healthy.  But she must have burned off her taste buds in some sort of nuclear accident if she made these and then recommended them for a dessert that a human would want to eat!

I was pissed.  Pissed because my evening treat was ruined and I don't get another cheat for a week.  Pissed because the money I spent on this rancidness could have easily bought 2-3 boxes of fattening Betty Crocker brownie mixes - which I can't eat.  Pissed at the time and effort to make them.

I didn't find it funny at all last night.  Tonight it's a little funny.  And still NOT FAIR!!

Temper tantrums are cardio?

Apparently throwing a fit and having a pity party is an effective weight loss tool.  Who knew? Because after my weekend long melt down and feeling sorry for myself, I stood on the scale this morning and was 2 pounds lighter than last Friday.

It's pretty surprising how much of getting on track involves the simple act of changing habits.  Now it's not actually simple to put into practice, but so much of my challenges involve poor habits I've gotten into.  

Like coming home and plowing through a bunch of peanut butter.  When I decided to get back on track, that was one of the first things I knew had to change.  And the first couple weeks were rough.  I would longingly look at the cabinet where the pb is held and have actual mental arguments with myself.

That desire hasn't gone away, but that obsession is starting to fade.  It's just something I don't do anymore.  Last night, though, fairly late in the evening I was in the kitchen and thought I was hungry.  I had come home from work and did a BRICK - I rode the bike trainer for 21 miles, got off and immediately ran 4 miles on the treadmill.

So I rationalized that a little bit of peanut butter was perfectly justified.  You know that iconic cartoon of the cat burglar sneaking through the house and he hears a noise and freezes, hunched over, one leg in the air, arms frozen in mid-step.  That was me - posed in the kitchen - fully intending to dive into the pb.  I stopped, took a breath, shook my head and exited the kitchen.  

It's a good thing the scale was down this morning or I would have been pissed for my amazing (haha!) show of self control not paying off.

My body is certainly not responding on the timeline that I want to see.  It also is not suddenly becoming easy like I want it to.  I hope that this is a sign, though, that I am heading in the right direction!!

When it rains, it poor meeeees....

Last week was a barrel of suckage.  There wasn't anything that bad, especially compared to what other people go through, but it was plenty to send me over the edge!

Archer is experiencing some health issues.  My SUV failed inspection, requiring another appointment and lots of $$$.  Then my phone decided to screw up, and in an electronic conspiracy, so did my Garmin!  Despite all this, I stayed away from eating out of boredom or frustration or anger.  

Friday arrived and I got on the scale and weighed exactly the same.  How is this possible I asked while throwing a temper tantrum.  I immediately got the "fuck its" and proceeded to justify poor choices because "it clearly doesn't matter that I eat well!"

Have you seen that meme about not continuing the downhill slide comparing it to not intentionally popping your other 3 tires if you get one flat?  Well, to continue that metaphor, I not only shredded the other 3 tires, but I took a baseball bat and smashed the windshield and then continued the destruction by using a box cutter on the interior.

As an added bonus, yesterday was a holiday so I got a full long weekend to drag out my destruction.  

I sit here tonight angry and full of self-pity.  Why do I make these choices? And will I be shocked on Friday when the scale reflects my behavior??  

I'll get up tomorrow and try again.  I haven't run out of new days to try again - at least not yet!

On a more positive note, the weather wasn't great, but I was able to get a couple runs in with the dogs.  They have had cabin fever, and were thrilled to be outside and getting some fresh air and exercise!! 

Was it worth it?

That's the question I've been asking myself all week.  So I've been doing pretty well, eating wise, as I told you.  But this past weekend was the Superbowl.  I'm a person who actually loves the game - not just the commercials and/or the halftime show.  My hopes were high this year that Philly could smush the Pats who I HATE.

For me, good times call for food - naughty food.  Superbowl Sunday typically means lots and lots of pizza.  Marc and I eat pizza maybe 3 times a year and this is one of the occasions.

But I was conflicted this year - I asked myself if I really wanted to damage my momentum (and waistline) by indulging.  I decided yes and invented all kinds of ways to justify this choice.

Sunday morning I ran a full 13 miles on the treadmill.  As an aside, I watched the first 2 epiosdes from the FX show about the murder of Gianni Versace while running.  Highly recommended!  Darren Criss plays the serial killer Andrew Cunanan and he is fantastic in the role!! Anyway, I tried to delude myself into beliving that those miles would translate into a big enough deficit to offset the massive calories I would be eating.

Now the one small victory I can claim is that typically when I know I'm going to eat badly, I imagine the whole day is shot so why not just pig out the entire day.  I didn't do that.  And let's get real - pizza wouldn't be that big of deal if I could or would eat 1 or 2 pieces.  But when I eat pizza, I EAT PIZZA!  This time followed by S'mores Nachos for dessert.

I woke up Monday morning and felt a little nauseous - my body isn't used to that amount of grease.  I asked myself if it was worth it.  I then looked in the mirror and saw that I was terribly bloated.  I poked my stomach and it rippled like a waterbed - so gross.  Again I asked myself if it was worth it. 

It took until yesterday morning for the queasiness to go away.  I also haven't weighed myself this week because I didn't want to freak out or allow the numbers to give me an excuse to give up.

No, I'm back to eating well and exercising.  So again - was it worth it? I savored the pizza while watching a great game - nothing wrong with that, right? On the other hand, I claim to want to lose weight and be in control of my eating and after only a month, I found a reason to undo some progress.

So I don't have a satisfactory answer.  Maybe there isn't one - shades of grey....?

I'm a GENIUS!!

Have you guys read the study about swearing?

Turns out swearing is a sign of intelligence!  I fucking KNEW IT!!

https://www.sciencealert.com/swearing-is-a-sign-of-more-intelligence-not-less-say-scientists

So long January!

This month has been so weird.  There's been some crap for sure - like the miserably terrible weather.  If I ever had doubts about moving away from this place it disappeared this month.  BTW we're kind of focused on Austin, Texas - any readers out there from Austin?

Anyway, between weighing in again, attempting to write this blog and focusing for more than - well 6 minutes - on eating right, I'm feeling.... different.  Things are changing.  Let's get real, it's been a whole month (big fat hairy deal) but I'm hoping that how I feel produces results and continues.

This being good during the week and relaxing on the weekend is working.  There is still the temptation during the week - I've stared longingly at cookies in meetings and peanut butter in my cabinets more than once - but it's easier to say no.  So far giving myself latitude on the weekend hasn't led my to go completely nuts.  And, guess what?  The negative self talk - how much I suck, what a fat loser I am - it's not gone but it's much quieter.

On the exercise front, how many times have I talked about how running every day is not healthy?  And all of a sudden I find myself here on January 31st having run 30 days this month - daily since the 4th.  For a total of 155 miles.  Now most of these miles were on the treadmill and slow - which might explain why I'm not in any pain or nursing an injury.  Combine these miles with the 300+ I did this month on the bike trainer and yet I'm not exhausted all the time.  In fact my energy level is great!

I'm even wondering if I could run another 1/2 marathon this year.  Between my weight gain and injuries, that seemed impossible which has been incredibly depressing and demoralizing.  We'll see what happens when (IF!!!) this fucking winter ever goes away and I can run outside consistently.  

Optimism??? Is that really you my old friend? It's been a long time.

If I can keep this up, 2018 might be a very good year!!

Rationalization or being rational?

When I decided to buckle down on myself a couple of weeks ago and make a renewed commitment to weight loss, in the midst of my behaviors that would no longer be tolerated, there was also the agreement with myself that the weekends would be much more relaxed.

Now the experts say that one cheat MEAL is enough.  Some people have a full cheat day.  But no where in the rule book does it say a cheat weekend is okay.  Except the book that I am writing.

Now first let me clarify what I mean by "cheat". It does not mean eating anything I want in the amount that I want.  It's not like I ate a gallon of ice cream, 12 oreos and washed it down with Mountain Dew!  

I did however eat a bagel slathered in peanut butter.  I also made brownies.  Skinny peanut butter brownies that contained no flour, used a sugar substitute of baking truvia, and the chocolate flvor came from cocoa powder.  Not as bad as real brownies, but probably not the star of clean eating, either.

I also exercised more as I usually do on the weekends.  But when I stepped on the scale this morning I told myself that at this rate, i should get back down to my goal weight when I'm roughly 58 years old!!

I keep asking myself what my goals are.  Let's be realistic I tell myself - I'm not trying to be a fitness model.  And while I'd like to be in the category I was a few years ago with my running - easily running under 8 minute miles and crushing races, I'm never going to be an elite athlete.

So if I decided to stop giving myself the weekends relatively free and was more self-discliplined, I would probably lose weight faster.  Which I absolutely needed to do 8 years ago when, at 344 pounds, I was in the red line danger zone.

I now fall into the category of 

Not sure what color that is...

But I do know that last night I didn't feel intimdated or depressed about getting back  to the "work week rules".  Time will tell if this strategy works both mentally and physically.  The scale was up today, we'll see what happens over the week.

So is this a rational plan or am I rationalizing eating like a pig??