Friday, January 2, 2015

The truth is out there…

Today I was unexpectedly called to another court to testify in a civil matter.  There, a large tub of Xmas cookies sat.  They were probably stale as all hell.

And, despite this, I wanted one - no I wanted TEN - of those fuckers anyway.  I didn't have one and instead did some self-talk that I've learned along the way.

I told myself that they were just cookies. There will always be cookies.  I can even MAKE cookies - anytime I want to.  But not today.  Cookies are not for today.  Maybe tomorrow but not today.

And, believe it or not, it helped.

I was then called in to testify.  And when I was cross-examined the attorney asked - in a clearly accusatory/judgmental tone - how long a person who once was addicted is at risk of relapse.

Without hesitating I responded "The rest of his or her life."

And that's when it truly hit home.  Something I know intellectually, but I suppose I was in denial about emotionally.

I will never - NEVER - be NOT at risk of relapse.  I will never look at a cookie like a normal person.  I will never be able to trust myself to just eat a meal intuitively.  I will always want to eat more then I should.

And you know what?  That's not a tragedy.  It is what it is.  My brain is fat and always will be.

And despite this, I can still eat treats - at times.  I will still have occasions of consciously overeating.

But in 2014 I played around with attempting to eat like someone who is normal - someone who has never been morbidly obese.

The results?  A significant weight gain.

So, like the denial that ended for me in 2010, it’s time to stop that denial.  For the start of 2015 it's - as reader Laurie suggested - time to get back to basics.

And take it one day at a time…

3 comments:

  1. I don't comment much, though I should because I share the same struggles. I lost 155lbs, 2011-2013, the old fashion just way like you. I spent last year trying to be "normal" as well. I gained 20lbs, some cloths don't fit and I'm moody and pissed at myself. I've been to counseling for my relationship with food, yet I still tried to act like a skinny person. Ha, what a lie to myself. So, here I am, restarting right along with you. The same girl that use to weigh 287, facing the same challenge. Feels shitty, whether its 155 lbs or just 20. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you thank you thank you!! For letting me know I'm not the only one who has experienced this. So you and me - let's get this!

      Jen

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  2. You are definitely not alone!! I've lost about 78 lbs since 9/12, and I've been working to find my maintenance point for the past 4 to 5 months. I realized that I must stay vigilant and continue exactly what I did to lose weight...I can just enjoy a few more calories than before. I will never be thin in my head. I will always want that cookie or sweet treat, even if I'm not hungry or it doesn't really taste that good. I will have to remain mindful and controlled, much like any other addict. We CAN DO THIS!!! It's just a matter of will.

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