I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who is generally unhappy with her life right now. She is desperate for something to change, but she has felt this way for months and she still feels this way.
In AA they use the phrase "If nothing changes, nothing changes". In that spirit I asked her how much longer she plans on being unhappy. She told me that was a question she couldn't answer.
I think that she is waiting for miracle - a magic fairy to come make everything better.
Boy do I know that wishful thinking. I spent year after year being miserable and fat, WISHING something would change, but not doing a fucking thing about it except getting fatter and fatter.
I feel a little stuck like that right now. I want to be happy. But, if I'm being honest, I don't want to work right now for the happiness I seek - being thin. I want the magic fairy to sprinkle thin dust on me while I sit on my ass and eat whatever I want.
Yesterday I went into a meeting and there were cupcakes. FUCK ME!
As I tried desperately to avoid eye contact with those liberally frosted bastards, my friend Sue tried to pass them down - "Jen wants one" she said.
"No, Jen wants THREE!" I said " But her fat ass isn't getting ANY". And people laughed.
Later in the day I was happy that I hadn't eaten one, but in that moment I would have been really happy to chow down!
So I'm trying to find that balance, still. Living a full life, being a normal weight, short term gratification versus long term happy. It ain't easy, folks - at least not for me 2.5 years into maintenance...