I feel tonight as if I'm waving a flag. I guess the question is, which one?
Is it this one? The flag of surrender?
Or is it this one? The flag of victory?
Can it be both?
You see, I woke up this morning to the scale number of 121.5. I went to a cookout yesterday and ate not only too much, but I ate some stuff that is normally OFF LIMITS - namely some potato chips. Potato chips are on the NO-NO list. I literally can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten potato chips since I started this journey over 4 years ago.
And yet there I was - cramming my face with potato chips - admittedly along with some healthier choices like fruit. But, yeah, potato chips, not the best choice.
And then, after weighing in around 4 pounds higher then I "should" this morning, Mother Nature decided that she should give us the ole one finger salute and handed us some miserably fucking cold weather - thus obliterating most of my plans for the day.
So Starbucks was kind enough to give me a free drink for my birthday. Which I chose to use today not on a harmless no-calorie coffee, but on one of their decadent frappuccinos. With roughly a million calories.
And guess what? I don't feel guilty. I don't care - at least right now - what the scale will probably say regarding this tomorrow.
Since April I've been maintaining mostly steady. But maintaining about 5 pounds higher then where I want to be. But is that lower number really where I want to be? Apparently the answer is no, because I haven't done anything to change it.
So is this defeat? Or is it growth in accepting myself? I've gone back and forth on this today and I can't tell you. I feel guilty and ashamed and totally liberated at the same time. I worry that this could be a slippery slope towards accepting becoming fat again.
And at the same time I'm proud of accepting that I'm not perfect. I'm not and will never be a thin fitness model. And I think that's maybe okay...