Since fall is here in force I decided it was time to update my avatar on places like Facebook. So I had Marc take a pic of me before I left for work this morning:
And I think I'm making progress because I didn't completely hate how I looked. Now don't get me wrong - my first reaction was that I NOT attractive. And then I lamented the gross extra skin on my thighs. And I wished I had bigger boobs and wasn't so SQUARE.
But after a quick review of what I hated, I decided the picture wasn't TERRIBLE. When I see pictures like this I wish that I could step outside myself and see what I look like from other people's eyes - do they see the imperfections that I do? Probably not. I mean I don't go around analyzing other people to the minute detail. And I personally tend to look for attractive things about them - like great hair or eyes.
In all my drama about the cholesterol, I didn't mention that the doc and I also talked about my weight. He asked if I was still trying to lose weight. I told him I was trying to maintain between 115-119 but that my body really seems to like a range of 118-122. He asked me why I felt that I needed to be in "the teens" and being in the 120's "perfectly fine". He also told me what I already knew - that you can't use BMI to determine a healthy weight on someone who is "as muscular as you", because a BMI calculator "can't account for muscle mass".
So today Marc and I went for a walk and I decided that I don't want to let the scale define ME any more. That's the decision I made today - you and I both know it won't last, though, right? Because I've made those promises to myself before.
And then today I read posts on the weight loss site I'm on from women - smart, attractive, skilled, women who HATE themselves for weighing 5 pounds above their "red line". I don't want to be that person any more. It wasn't fair that many others defined me as a "lazy slob" when I was fat - because I was SO MUCH MORE then that. And it's not fair for me to define myself as a "fat pig" because I weigh 125 instead of 117, right?
P.S. For the fellow cheapskates out there - I got the skirt I am wearing in the pic from a garage sale. It looks like it was never worn. It was 50 cents!!!! SCORE!!!!