It's funny how emotions can change so rapidly from day to day and week to week. I told you all about my complete meltdown last week. I just really was in a state of self-doubt and fear. This week I have swung to the complete opposite side of the pendulum.
I feel totally and completely confident and in control this week. I am looking at how far I've come and I'm in a place where I am totally sure that I can manage my eating and exercise in a healthy way and live as a thin and healthy person for the rest of my life.
Last night was a potluck dinner for my work. I ate mostly very healthy things - chicken, salad, fruit - but, once again, I ate WAY to much of that stuff [SIGH!] BUT, rather then let it throw me into a tirade of self-abuse and recriminations, like usual, I instead said to myself that today is a new day and one day eating too much, even several hudred calories too much, does not make me gain a ton of weight. I knew yesterday was going to be a challenge, and I ran 6 miles at lunch. It doesn't undo the damage, but it does mitigate it a little. And as long as I get right back on track - which I am! - it will have very little effect on my overall efforts.
Feeling calm and in control is a really good feeling. It's funny, every fall and spring at work they do a weight loss challenge. I think I did it 2 or 3 times during this journey, once taking 3rd place and winning some money. As we are nearing the end of the summer, flyers are going out with the start date. People are picking their partners and talking about getting back on track after a summer of over-indulging. I picked up a flyer and looked at it, and, without really thinking, considered joining. Then I realized that I don't have any weight to lose. Wait a minute? I DON'T HAVE ANY WEIGHT TO LOSE!!
So my brain hasn't totally caught up. BUT I am JUST starting to see myself as a thin person. I also, for really the first time, am starting to see why other people admire me. As I was stretching before going inside after my run yesterday, a colleague walked by me shaking her head. I asked her "What?" and she said "Your dedication - it's just remarkable!" I didn't respond, but I thought "You know, it is pretty impressive..." I then started to wonder if last year people saw me running and took bets on how long it would last. You know, most people don't stick with things they start.
For anyone who is reading this who is in the midst of their journey, I want to tell you once again - YOU CAN DO IT! Today is a new day!! Did you fuck up and eat badly yesterday? Did you mean to exercise and didn't? START NOW. I cannot tell you how worth it is!!!!! Do you have a long way to go? That's okay, I did too! Don't think about how far you have to go, take it in steps! Imagine seeing the relatives at Thanksgiving and being 20-30 pounds lighter then you are now! It can be done if you start TODAY.